Is that a cucumber in your pocket or are you etc etc?

We've been finalising the programme for Crimefest in the last couple of weeks. So my job - trying to sort out panels for around 140 authors - is done. Panel assignments have mostly been sent to moderators and panellists, and now I just have to fine tune following the inevitable "Sorry, I can't make that date" e-mails. It's a great division of labour amongst the three co-hosts. Adrian does all the hard work, Myles is the technical genius, and I get the fun. The programme will soon be up online here. Looking forward to seeing some of you there!

Talking of programmes, the schedule for Glasgow's Aye Write is now available. Lots of good crime fiction related stuff, including a tribute to Iain Banks, Watching The Detectives: Serial Crime with Denise Mina, Sophie Hannah and Alex Gray, (Sophie Hannah also has an event called The Poetry of Sex which looks really good - her poetry is great fun and what's not to love about sex? Errrr...not sure that came out right...). Allan Massie and David Ashton talk about historical crime and Christopher Brookmyre pairs up with Barry Phillips in an event to talk about - amongst other things I'm sure - his science fiction thriller BEDLAM (if you go, do ask him about the roast chicken/Borders bookshop story). William McIlvanney, the Godfather of Tartan Noir will be speaking, and Stuart MacBride and Gordon Ferris have an event called Dark, Dark Noir. Louise Welsh talks about her new book A LOVELY WAY TO BURN, a thriller set in a dystopian future, and the first in a trilogy and Val McDermid is in conversation with comedian Susan Calman in what is sure to be a fun event. And I'm not sure if this is a crime novel or not, but Natalie Haynes will be talking about her new novel THE AMBER FURY, which sounds brilliant.

And, finally, an event about the fabulous 21 Revolutions book from Glasgow Women's Library.  I'm really excited to have a story in this gorgeous book, alongside such luminaries as Karen Campbell, Helen Fitzgerald, Zoe Strachan, Louise Welsh, Denise Mina, Laura Marney, A L Kennedy, Anne Donovan...The list of gloriousness is endless. Plus me. Unusually for me, mine is not a crime story, but a story about a suffragette on hunger strike in Glasgow's Duke Street prison. You can hear it here if remotely interested.

And now the non-festival news. Firstly, the ideal gift for the Sherlock Holmes fan in your life.And an article on Conan Doyle in fact and fiction. Mystery File reviews John Buchan's THE THREE HOSTAGES, and a review of Alexander McCall Smith's THE MINOR ADJUSTMENT BEAUTY SALON, who is also introducing Precious Ramotswe to younger readers.

A couple of nominations for Irvine Welsh's FILTH at the Empire film awards.

And, finally, I love the bloke's reaction to being arrested. 

"People Ain't No Good"

Your Cramps title for today.

Soon, I will get back to blogging more than once a week. Soon...

This weekend, we watched Vietnamese film Three Seasons. It tells the stories of several characters - a girl whose job is to pick lotus flower and her relationship with her hermit employer, a cyclo driver and his infatuation with a prostitute, an American GI who is looking for someone, and a little boy who is a street peddlar. It's quite a slight film in many ways, but it's beautifully filmed and really interesting from the point of view of seeing a strange location.

The programme for the Aye Write! festival is now available and here are the crime fiction related events.

Friday 9th March
11am - 12.30pm or 4.30pm - 6pm - Helen Fitzgerald and Sergio Casci - Making the Pitch and Not Striking Out: From Pitch to Published (Creative Writing).
1pm - 2pm - Helen Fitzgerald and Sergio Casci - Book to Film and Film to Book: Adaptations (Creative Writing).
4.30pm - 5.30pm - Christopher Brookmyre - The Making of a Bestseller (Creative Writing)
6pm - 7pm - William McIlvanney.

Saturday 10th March
3.30pm - 4.30pm - Alex Gray and Ian Rankin: New Scottish Crime
8pm - 9.30pm - Panel Debate: Scotland's books - includes William McIlvanney

Sunday 11th March
3.30pm - 5pm - Panel Debate: What's Wrong With Women's Writing? - includes Karen Campbell.

Monday 12th March
7.30pm - 8.30pm - Alexander McCall Smith

Friday 16th March
9.30pm - 10.30pm - Mark Billingham and Christopher Brookmyre are Indiscreet

Saturday 17th March
2pm - 3pm - Gillain Galbraith and Karen Campbell - Ethics
3.30pm - 4.30pm - Lin Anderson and Caro Ramsay - Forensics

I think that's it - apologies if I've missed any!

And, in other news, K T McCaffery reviews Ian Rankin's THE IMPOSSIBLE DEAD, and the Sun Sentinel reviews Val McDermid's THE RETRIBUTION.

Irvine Welsh on his various projects, Jame McAvoy in FILTH, and a not particularly positive review of the ECSTASY film.

An interview with Philip Kerr.

Helen Fitzgerald blesses our libraries. And me too. My PLR is nowhere near as large as Helen's, but it took Ewan and I out for dinner at one of my favourite places, where I have discovered the joys of Hacienda de Chihuahua Crema de Sotol. Best of all though, is the thought that all those people were interested enough to borrow OLD DOGS. Thank you library users. That's the best thrill for me.

Finally, a final plea for any donations of books, or anything else for the helpline charity I volunteer for. All donations gratefully received for the charity raffle coming up. Thanks to everyone who has given stuff so far - I could hug you all. x

Aye, Right, it's Aye Write

First of all, this weekend's film viewing. First was a French film called Harry, un ami qui vous veut du bien. The English title - although sticking reasonably close to the French - was the rather rubbish - Harry, He's Here To Help. Don't let the title put you off. It's a lovely little witty psychological thriller. A French family, on the way to the holiday home which they are doing up, meet up with an old school-friend of the husband, Michel. Michel has only the vaguest memories of Harry, but Harry seems to be rather more...obsessed... with Michel. Hitchcockian suspense, black comedy, and nicely low-key. Our next film was The Disappearance of Alice Creed - a claustrophobic British thriller with a cast of three and which mostly takes place in one room - a room where two men take a young woman and hold her hostage, in order to extract a large ransom from her rich father. A good (but not great) thriller - gritty and twisty but lacking in something. I didn't care enough about any of the characters. Well worth a watch, though.

The Aye Write programme is up. From a quick look through, the crime related events are (I've put a * by the ones I'm planning on attending, if anyone fancies meeting up):

Friday March 4th
Jasper Fforde - 18.00 - 19.00

Saturday March 5th
Alexander McCall Smith - 10.30-11.30
Denise Mina, Karen Campbell, Caro Ramsay - 14.00-15.00 *
Alex Gray, Louise Welsh, Alice Thompson - 15.30-16.30 *
Mark Billingham and Jo Nesbo - 19.00-20.00

Sunday March 6th
Val McDermid - 17.00-18.00 *

Monday March 7th
Allan Guthrie, Denise Mina, Louise Welsh - 19.30-20.30 *

Tuesday March 8th
Kevin MacNeil - 18.00-19.00 (not sure if it's crime fiction but one description calls it a 'dark, maniacal thriller'. It looks excellent. *
Doug Johnstone - 19.30-20.30 *

Friday March 11th
Christopher Brookmyre - 21.00-23.00

Saturday March 12th
Iain M Banks and Ken MacLeod 14.00-15.00 (although this one is more SF)
Neil Forsyth - 15.30-16.30 (more his comedy than crime fiction)

I think that's it, but if I've missed anything, please let me know.

And another event, on 4th February Louise Welsh at the GFT talking about Robert Louis Stevenson and the Theatre of The Brain.

And now, a few reviews. First of all, a very thoughtful and interesting review of Stuart MacBride's SHATTER THE BONES, The Star Online reviews Ian Rankin's THE COMPLAINTS, and the lovely Dorte enjoys John Buchan's THE THIRTY-NINE STEPS.

Ian Rankin, amongst others, talks about turning fifty.

And, finally, David Thomas in The Mail on The Pitbull of The Baskervilles.

Aye Write, It's Christopher Brookmyre

I had a lovely time on Sunday going to a couple of the things at the always excellent Aye Write Festival in Glasgow, so here is my reports on one of the events.

The first thing we went to see was Christopher Brookmyre being interviewed. Brookmyre started off by saying that at last year's Aye Write he was on an atheism panel. It just happened to be on the day that his team - St Mirren - were playing Celtic in the Scottish cup. Celtic, needless to say, were the hot favourites. Brookmyre switched his phone off and he said it was a good thing that he had done so because if he'd seen the texts coming in from his friends, telling him that St Mirren had beaten Celtic (1-0) he would have had to abandon his atheistic stance and say to the other panelists "Look guys, all bets are off, there is a god."

He described Pandaemonium as a Gothic horror story, and said that, when asked what the difference is between horror and Gothic horror he says "I don't know, but this is Gothic horror because it has goths in it" :o) Pandaemonium is the tale of a group of High School students who are taken off to a retreat to help them come to terms with the death of one of their fellow students, through counselling, discussion, and prayer. The teenagers, on the other hand, have other ideas (most of which revolve around alcohol and sex). The Guardian described it as " a book in which vengeful demons meet horny teenagers in a remote location and huge quantities of blood gets shed." Because, yes, there are demons in the book. Brookmyre said that, according to Catholic doctrine, it's required to believe that demons are real. And there are, apparently, around 312million demons loose in the world right now. Brookmyre's comment was "Has anyone told the Daily Mail? What if they're all claiming benefits right now?"

He then read from Pandaemonium. Generally, I'm not a big fan of authors reading what feel like interminably long chunks from their books, but he's such an entertaining reader, and his books are such good fun, that he could have read for the whole hour as far as I was concerned.

The interviewer mentioned how well he writes his teenage characters (he's written great teenagers in several books now, including my favourite - ONE FINE DAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT), and asked whether they are former classmates. Brookmyre said that he finds it easy to cast his mind back to his school days and that he is very much in touch with his inner teenager, or as he added "I'm emotionally retarded". He also mentioned that he is currently in talks with an American publisher of Young Adult novels, which will be science fiction books. One thing that concerns him about not actually being a teenager is that some of the put-downs are not actually being used any more. He says one of the benefits of the internet (and, specifically, football forums), is that you get to see the terms of abuse people are throwing at each other.

As far as writing teenage girls, he said it's easy to write the boys as he shares a lot of their enthusiasm and insecurities, however, it was harder with the teenage girls and he had to get into the way of 'psychological cruelty'. When there were laughs from the audience at this he said that was the "laughter of recognition and shame."

He was then asked about having his books turned into films and said that, currently, ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEBODY LOSES AN EYE is with a French based producer, and that there is also interest from a UK company in THE SACRED ART OF STEALING. He said that he's not precious about the way his work gets adapted and finds it interesting to see how someone else sees it. Matthew Vaughn (Kickass and Layer Cake) wanted to option A BIG BOY DID IT AND RAN AWAY, but only so that he could get the character Simon Darcourt - the rest of the story itself would have changed beyond recognition. Brookmyre was interested to see what he would do with that, but, unfortunately, it fell through.

I was particularly interested to hear that as in my screenwriting class, I am currently adapting (oh, that sounds so much grander than it is!) BUMPING UGLIES - the short story I wrote for the wonderful HELL OF A WOMAN anthology - and the only bit which has survived is the very beginning. It's a totally different tale now.

He loved Carl Hiaasen's books and read them all within about six months. He admires Hiaasen's ability to write a fast paced story, with great characters, and focus on something he's really interested in or passionate about. He thought it would be good to do something similar set in the UK. At the time, he felt that British crime at the time was grim and depressing, with characters who weren't allowed to be heroic.

He recently received a fan letter from Diana Gabaldon, who really enjoyed Pandaemonium and she told him she had him on her Methadone List, which are suggestions she gives to her own fans as to what they could read while they are waiting for another one of her books to come out. Brookmyre commented "I don't know what Diana Gabaldon's readers are going to make of my swearing, shagging teenagers."

When asked why he had changed genres somewhat with Pandaemonium, he said that he felt that he couldn't top A SNOWBALL IN HELL in terms of satire and character, and every idea he had for an OTT satirical crime thriller after that didn't seem good enough. He'd always wanted to write something SF. Pandaemonium started life as a screenplay and he decided to see if he could turn it into a novel, which he found an interesting process. He said it's almost unrecognisable as the screenplay it started life as, and commented that, with a screenplay, you sometimes have to use stereotypes for some of the supporting characters. With novels, you can take those stereotypes and subvert them.

He was then asked about the title, with Anthony, the interviewer, getting a laugh when he said "A one word title is a bit of a departure...admittedly, it's a long word." Brookmyre said that he wanted something a bit different and felt that PANDAEMONIUM was very apt - it's the capital city of hell in Milton's PARADISE LOST, plus it's what you get when you have 30 or 40 hormonal teenagers running around.

When asked whether he starts with a title or a theme he said it's usually a theme and the title suggests itself at some point. However, for ONE FINE DAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT and A BIG BOY DID IT AND RAN AWAY he had the titles first and just knew he wanted to write a book with those titles. Incidentally, the alternative title he had for ONE FINE DAY was GOOD GUYS GET SHOT IN THE SHOULDER.

A question from the audience was raised as to how the west of Scotland humour translates. Brookmyre said that he doesn't worry about how it's going to be perceived outside the UK. When he's reading a book he would rather get it raw and work out what things mean, rather that a one-size fits all version. I totally agree with him. I hate it when publishers feel they have to change things in books because they think their readers are so stupid that they won't be able to get something from the context.

On the subject of translations, he said that his experience with translators is that they tend to either ask loads of questions or no questions at all. When ONE FINE DAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT was translated, he was intrigued to see that it had a two word title. It turned out to be PARADISE FUCKED (sorry Dad, but that's what the book's called).

A Japanese translator asked one question, and one question only, about ONE FINE DAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. In it, there's a character, in his pajamas, very miserable, as he's been shot out of a dinghy. The quote from the book is something like "utterly miserable and, for a Leither, marooned." This is a very Edinburgh specific quote in that the suggestion is that because he's from Leith, then he's a Hibs supporter (who play in green and white). The rival Edinburgh team is Hearts, who play in maroon. Hence, he wouldn't want to be marooned. Brookmyre told the translator that if he could translate that, he deserved an award.

Brookmyre had a very bad experience with a French translator (who appeared to have got the job because of who he knew, rather than what. He was translating QUITE UGLY ONE MORNING and COUNTRY OF THE BLIND and sent Brookmyre about 400 queries, many of which were answered on the very next page. Some of them were legitimate questions but still very funny. We were treated to a recitation of some of these and they were hilarious: "What does mean 'gub'?", "What are 'the dry heaves'", "What does mean 'boaby'?", "What is a protestant?", "What is a shirtlifter?", "Can you explain Schadenfreude?", "What is the meaning of Lebanon." "I know Fred West from your previous book but who is Rosemary West?", "Who is Rod Hull?", "Who is Johnny Foreigner?", "What scientist is Stephen Hawking?", "What does mean 'bawhair'?" And his final e-mail - very aptly - said "Your tea's oot means you're finished?"

Brookmyre said that Pandaemonium was "a big, geeky playground" for him. He was able to take some of the themes and iconography of the supernatural and combine them with science and quantum physics.

He then talked about some crime fiction he is working on now, which sounded really good. It's less satirical, more 'realistic' and plausible. It's a set of crime novels set in Glasgow's 'gangland' which sounds like a theme park. The first one in the series is about an enforcer who's looking for redemption later in life. The first one will be out in Summer 2011 and it's called WHERE THE BODIES ARE BURIED. He said it's both exciting and daunting embarking on a new character.

Talking of characters, he was then asked about Jack Parlabane. Since Brookmyre was a journalist, he was asked whether Parlabane was based on any journalists he knew. He said that, no, he wanted to create a fantasy journalist who would stop at nothing to get to the truth. His own experience of real journalists is that they would stop at nothing to get to the pub.

He then gave us a sneak preview of WHERE THE BODIES ARE BURIED and it sounds really good. As I hope comes across, it was a really fun hour and I could have listened to him for far longer.