CrimeFest Report - A Tale of Two Colins

Another CrimeFest panel report. Jake Kerridge interviewed Colin Bateman and Colin Cotterill, and an excellent interview it was too. Both of them are funny and interesting.

Jake Kerridge started off by saying that the name 'Colin' is Gaelic for a young dog, or cur, or whelp. He noted that the two Colins look like adorable puppies!

Colin Cotterill firstly did his usual trick of taking photos of the audience. He explained that this was because where he lives a local shaman specialises in photos and can put curses on people that way. He said that if anyone in the audience let their mobile phone ring "Don't be surprised if you wake up with feathers sticking out of the back of your head." He then told a story about photoshopping the same woman into three photos and giving them to a class of students. They spotted the woman in two photos and were freaked out. Colin, on the other hand was freaked out because she had disappeared from the third photo.

In Colin Bateman's book I PREDICT A RIOT, the dedication is to "My Christian name, gone but not forgotten." He commented that Colin isn't really an action sort of name. Colin Cotterill then said that he was going to drop both his names.

Jake asked them whether they had any idea where the ability to make people laugh comes from.

Colin Bateman said that he had no idea. When he was 17 and a quiet and shy journalist in Bangor, he was asked to be the paper's gossip columnist. However, he was so shy and quiet that he didn't gossip about anyone and wrote abut his own life. He said that a lot of a writer goes into the characters in a book, but it's a fictitious version. Once, when he was in Amsterdam, he got pushed up against a wall by some blokes. His immediate reaction was to "scream like a girl". In a book, his character would have disarmed the men.

Colin Cotterill said "It takes me a long time to be spontaneous."

When asked whether they make themselves laugh out loud, Colin Bateman said "No, that would be weird." and Colin Cotterill said "Yes, but only because I drink a lot of red wine."

Jake asked Colin Bateman where the Mystery Man series came from (this one features the owner of No Alibis bookstore as protagonist). Colin said that he always does his book launches at the No Alibis bookstore and he always reads something from the beginning of the book. When launching his Dan Starkey novel, he felt uncomfortable reading this out as almost all the first chapter is about masturbation. So, instead, he wrote a short story featuring the owner of the bookstore (the owner said he could write anything he wanted as long as he didn't make him a pedophile). Now, people go into No Alibis just to look at the owner.

When asked whether he had the same problem re characters masturbating, Colin Cotterill's response was "Most of my characters are over 70 so it doesn't come up."

Colin Cotterill noted that the next Dr Siri has Americans in - there have never been any western characters in previous books.

Colin Bateman said that Mystery Man is not a typical protagonist. He's an unreliable narrator, his thoughts just come out, and he's a coward, a hypochondriac and manic depressive.

Colin C's new series features a female journalist protagonist called Jimm Juree. Colin said that where he lives there is no crime. The police station doesn't even have a jail. Police officers in Thailand are never sacked, they are just transferred. And they are transferred to a place like the one where Colin lives. However, although there is no crime, from talking to the local people, Colin has discovered loads of hidden secrets (including the fact that the little old couple who run the greengrocers are not married and the woman had her husband killed. Colin is now afraid to go out after dark.

Colin B said that in DR YES he is making fun of fanatical crime fiction fans. His main bad guy came about through a crime fan who mentioned that he had just quit his job at Madame Tussauds and now freelances and travels the world with a wax copy of his own head (apparently, wax models of your head sell very well). Also, Augustine Wogan is based on an obscure crime fiction writer from Belfast who self-published in the 1980s. He made a good point that it is only in the last 10 years that traditional crime fiction has been published in Northern Ireland. Previously it was all paramilitary type stuff. He said "We are the new Scandinavians."

Colin Cotterill said that he's not particularly complimentary about the governments of Laos and Thailand. When his second book came out, he was worried that he wasn't going to be let back in. However, he said that he needn't have worried, as the 5 new computers at the airport remained unplugged for three years. He said that, although he comes back to Britain as a tourist, and feels more comfortable in Thailand, it can be a dangerous place and people who try to complain about the system can sometimes disappear. Researching Laos in the 1970s for the Dr Siri books was quite difficult as it was a period in history when there was no news - journalists were kicked out at the time. However that gives him the opportunity to make it all up.

Colin Bateman said that for EMPIRE STATE all his research was based on a leaflet given out at the Empire State Building. He doesn't enjoy research. He said writing that one was his plan to become extremely rich. However, it was the only one not to be published in the US.

Colin B does not outline. He generally write a book in around 30 days. Colin C writes the story by hand in about 3 weeks and then goes back and edits.

Colin C said that he does not want his books to be translated into Thai.

Colin B said that his popularity was like the ripples in a pond. In his own house he is extremely popular. The further away you get from his house, the less popular he gets.

The Warm Glow of CrimeFest

Back from CrimeFest. Apologies for not blogging but things were just too hectic. Besides, internet access in the hotel cost something like £3000 per night (just slightly cheaper than a Southern Comfort and lemonade at the bar).

It was a brilliant weekend. Lots of old friends hugged, lots of new friends made (and some of those were hugged), the panels I went to were excellent (I shall write reports up of some of them over the next few days), the panels I moderated went well - I think - thanks to my lovely panelists. And I didn't vomit all over them, so that was a bonus. More of those panels later in this post.

The best part of the weekend is getting to spend time with people I really don't spend enough time with and laughing a lot. Some of those moments could not possibly be reported here.

My Mum and Dad made went too, and that was lovely. I took them out to dinner on the Thursday and after that my Mum and I went to the ballet. When we came back to the hotel we discovered my Dad in the bar. I was greeted with "Oh, Donna, we've been hearing all about you from your Dad." Oh. Shite. That phrase followed me all weekend. And each time, it worried me more. My Mum and Dad had a great time, as always. Everyone was lovely to them, and my Mum got to chat to some actor from Heartbeat, spend a weekend saying "Eee, our Donna, where on earth did you get those bloody shoes?" and buy a monkey for her 'grandson' Chris Ewan. As an aside, at the Gala Dinner, when neither Chris nor I won the Last Laugh Award (it was won by the charming Len Tyler who will no longer be able to remove his lucky tie) this conversation ensued between Mum and me.

"So you and Chris didn't win, then?"
"No, Mum."
"That's a shame."
"Thanks, Mum, but it's OK - I didn't expect to win."
"I didn't mean YOU, our Donna. I wanted Chris to win."
"Thanks Mum."

On to panel reports.

On Friday I was moderating two panels.

The first was I Was A Male Warbride: Confessions of a Crime Fiction Author - with Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Douglas Lindsay and Steve Mosby. They were brilliant - interesting, funny, and they submitted to my terrible questions with panache and aplomb. As well as asking them questions about their books, I interspersed these with confession-type questions - whether they had ever done anything illegal, most embarrassing moment etc. I wish I'd been in the audience, rather than actually asking the questions, because I would love to report on their great responses. They all submitted gracefully to having to do homework in advance. I asked them to read out their worst ever review, and also to write the beginning of a story with an animal protagonist.

Here are the stories

Douglas Lindsay's story is here: http://www.barney-thomson.com/blog.asp?blogid=4876

Helen Fitzgerald's story:

Her husband hanged me from the Rowan tree. Said she needed to let go of her attachment to me. “You can’t replace the real world with that fucking bunny,” he said. At ten o’clock tonight, he found me in her secret place, took me out into the garden, looped a string around my neck, and hanged me while she banged on the window of her locked bedroom. It’s after eleven now and she can still see me. She’s stopped screaming, but she’s crying, hands touching glass as she watches me go. I’m not dead yet and she knows it. She can see my ears quivering, less and less rampant as the insides of me flatten. "I’m going now," I say with barely moving ears.

Her husband has unlocked the door. "Come on," he orders, "come to bed." He has no settings, this murderer, no buzz no matter where or how hard she she presses.

She kisses her fingertips and touches the glass. "Arriverderci my rabbit," she says. "my every time dead cert. I must go and endure the real world."

Chris Ewan's story:

A Fly Vendetta Thriller

I was a fly in a glass. There was water inside the glass. There was a throwaway coaster on the end of it. The water was sloshing around. I was sloshing with it. This was on account of the movie that had been playing on a TV over the bar. Not a bad movie. Except for one scene. A scene where some guy drowned a fly in water and then brought it back to life with a sprinkling of salt. Now every chump in the bar wanted to drown a fly. Every guy wanted to produce a little magic with some salt. And I happened to get the goof who was just a bit dumber than most. He gave me a real good shake. A real thorough drenching. Like I was in a washing machine. Like I was in a toilet flush. Then he dumped me on a napkin and tipped half a pound of salt over me. I wasn’t crazy about this guy. I was buzzing mad. First thing I did when I came round was I gave him the finger. Flies can do that. Maybe you didn’t know. Truth is, flies can do a lot of things. They can mess with you in all kinds of ways. I was going to mess with this guy. And no amount of salt was going to help him.

Steve Mosby's story:

Action thriller with STIs

As Corporal Green discharged his final rounds at the army of antibiotics advancing on his position, he glanced down at his fallen comrades and was finally forced to accept the harshness of his predicament. I'm a goner, he told himself. I'm a goner 'ere.

Brilliant stuff.

My second panel was Monkey Business: The Last Laugh shortlist panel. Panellists were Colin Bateman, Colin Cotterill, Chris Ewan and L C Tyler. Again, they were excellent and great fun. Again, they were gracious enough to submit to homework. This time, a fascinating fact and an alternative bio.

Fascinating Facts

Chris - I once worked as a chemical cleaner in a meat factory. After that, I worked in a factory making Glade Plug-it-in, Plug-it-ins. Neither job was as glamorous as it sounds, although they both paid better than being a crime writer.

Colin C - I was kicked out of the recovery ward after my circumcision after the nuns discovered I'd drawn cartoons of them on the wall behind the curtain.

Len - I once had a very long conversation with the King of Norway about Newcastle United.

Colin B - I am personally responsible for the Nolan Sisters reforming.

Alternative Bios

Chris Ewan had the idea for the Millennium Trilogy several years before Stieg Larsson began writing the series, but he’s never claimed any royalties because he’s such a nice guy. But he’s no pushover, either, and if Stephenie Meyer doesn’t pay up soon, his legal team are going to tear her a new one. Born and raised in Professor Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, he currently lives in your home, in the small back bedroom you rarely go into. He generally keeps himself to himself, but sometimes he likes to watch you sleep. He never touches you, though. He leaves that to the guy who lives in your attic.

Colin B - I once sat on a wall beside Matt Damon; Matt Damon failed to recognise me. I'm the only man in history to have been sued for libel by the Boys Brigade. Things have been much better since I got out of prison. (NB - most of Colin's is actually true).

Many authors write under a pen-name and live their life under their real name. Len Tyler writes under his real name and does his day jobs under a variety of aliases. Those familiar with Len's film work, for example, will know him as Daniel Craig. As Jenson Button he regularly drives for Maclaren. Finally, if you were watching a certain wedding at the end of last month, you will probably have caught a glimpse of Len in his latest day-job as Leghumper the Royal corgi.

Colin Cotterill, after years of dreaming of becoming a woman, was rejected by the surgical assessment team for being 'too manly'. He used the operation money instead to bribe a publisher into printing his first book. He then bribed a few hundred people into buying them and has been pumping money into the readership pool ever since. Asked if he has no shame he replied, 'no'.

I'll post more reports over the next few days.

In the meantime - thanks to friends old and new for making it such a great weekend. Too many names to mention, but you know who you are. I really had a brilliant time and am still basking in the warm glow of happiness. Crime fiction fans and writers are just the nicest people. And big congratulations to Adrian and Myles for putting on such an excellent convention.

Pre-Crimefest Summary

A very brief post today. I'm down in Bristol helping with CrimeFest preparations (a very grand term for acting as Adrian's skivvy. Today I have been putting together prize book bags (every panel has a book giveaway). This evening I will be stuffing envelopes for delegates. In the meantime, I am drinking one of Adrian's enormous cocktails. Delegates - expect to get the wrong things in your envelopes.

I'm moderating two panels on Friday:

I Was A Male Warbride - Confessions of A Crime Fiction Author - with Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Douglas Lindsay and Steve Mosby at 11.20. I set them homework - all they had to do was write the first paragraph of a story featuring an animal protagonist. Based on what I have already seen, anyone with good taste should not attend this panel.

The Last Laugh Award Shortlist Panel - with Colin Bateman, Colin Cotterill, Chris Ewan and L C Tyler at 2.10pm.

So, just a few wee snippets in the meantime.

A review of Kate Atkinson's STARTED EARLY, TOOK MY DOG.

Quintin Jardine at Waterstone's in Livingstone on June 8th. Before that, Christopher Brookmyre talks about WHERE THE BODIES ARE BURIED, in Glasgow on June 6th.

Denise Mina will be appearing on the BBC2 Review Show's monthly book programme on May 27th. And a review of the TV version of FIELD OF BLOOD.

More about Ian Rankin and the scholarship.

And he's not Scottish, but here's a great article on, and interview with, one of my favourite authors - Colin Cotterill.

I hope to have time to post while at Crimefest, but if not, see you all after the weekend.

Bad News, Good News, More Good News

Bad news and good news from Crimefest. The bad news is that Don Winslow has had to withdraw which is a real shame. The good news is that the excellent and very funny Christopher Brookmyre will be taking his place as Toastmaster. Having seen him in action a few times, I know he will be both funny and interesting, so I'm looking forward to that. I can't believe it's only a month away. I've already set my panelists their homework (I'm seriously worried, based on a recent tweet by the lovely Steve Mosby), but I need to prepare my questions and re-read some of their books. I am moderating two panels. Both on Friday (so at least I get the nervous torment over early) I WAS A MALE WARBRIDE - CONFESSIONS OF A CRIME FICTION AUTHOR, with Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Douglas Lindsay and Steve Mosby; and MONKEY BUSINESS - WHEN MISCHIEVOUS CROSSES OVER INTO DECEITFUL BEHAVIOUR, with Colin Bateman, Colin Cotterill, Chris Ewan and L C Tyler.

The BBC's response to the genre fiction debate.

If you're in the Isle of Man next Wednesday, go and help Chris Ewan launch his new book THE GOOD THIEF'S GUIDE TO VENICE. I've just got a copy of it and am well chuffed as it's one of my favourite series.

Alexander McCall Smith's opera, a report on a recent event in New Jersey, and a review of THE DOUBLE COMFORT SAFARI CLUB.

Philip Kerr discusses his protagonist with Boston.com.

And, finally, not Scottish, but excellent news, the lovely people at Hard Case Crime are bringing out a never-before-published novel by the late, great Donald Westlake.

Have a lovely Easter, Dear Reader.