Is that a cucumber in your pocket or are you etc etc?

We've been finalising the programme for Crimefest in the last couple of weeks. So my job - trying to sort out panels for around 140 authors - is done. Panel assignments have mostly been sent to moderators and panellists, and now I just have to fine tune following the inevitable "Sorry, I can't make that date" e-mails. It's a great division of labour amongst the three co-hosts. Adrian does all the hard work, Myles is the technical genius, and I get the fun. The programme will soon be up online here. Looking forward to seeing some of you there!

Talking of programmes, the schedule for Glasgow's Aye Write is now available. Lots of good crime fiction related stuff, including a tribute to Iain Banks, Watching The Detectives: Serial Crime with Denise Mina, Sophie Hannah and Alex Gray, (Sophie Hannah also has an event called The Poetry of Sex which looks really good - her poetry is great fun and what's not to love about sex? Errrr...not sure that came out right...). Allan Massie and David Ashton talk about historical crime and Christopher Brookmyre pairs up with Barry Phillips in an event to talk about - amongst other things I'm sure - his science fiction thriller BEDLAM (if you go, do ask him about the roast chicken/Borders bookshop story). William McIlvanney, the Godfather of Tartan Noir will be speaking, and Stuart MacBride and Gordon Ferris have an event called Dark, Dark Noir. Louise Welsh talks about her new book A LOVELY WAY TO BURN, a thriller set in a dystopian future, and the first in a trilogy and Val McDermid is in conversation with comedian Susan Calman in what is sure to be a fun event. And I'm not sure if this is a crime novel or not, but Natalie Haynes will be talking about her new novel THE AMBER FURY, which sounds brilliant.

And, finally, an event about the fabulous 21 Revolutions book from Glasgow Women's Library.  I'm really excited to have a story in this gorgeous book, alongside such luminaries as Karen Campbell, Helen Fitzgerald, Zoe Strachan, Louise Welsh, Denise Mina, Laura Marney, A L Kennedy, Anne Donovan...The list of gloriousness is endless. Plus me. Unusually for me, mine is not a crime story, but a story about a suffragette on hunger strike in Glasgow's Duke Street prison. You can hear it here if remotely interested.

And now the non-festival news. Firstly, the ideal gift for the Sherlock Holmes fan in your life.And an article on Conan Doyle in fact and fiction. Mystery File reviews John Buchan's THE THREE HOSTAGES, and a review of Alexander McCall Smith's THE MINOR ADJUSTMENT BEAUTY SALON, who is also introducing Precious Ramotswe to younger readers.

A couple of nominations for Irvine Welsh's FILTH at the Empire film awards.

And, finally, I love the bloke's reaction to being arrested. 

"Wiggle your ears to get into the groove"

Have a wee Zombie Dance with The Cramps.

Panels for Crimefest are now up.

Alexander McCall Smith at the Oundle Literary Festival at the beginning of March, and in Buffalo, NY in April. Closer to home, Iain Banks is appearing in Edinburgh at the beginning of April. And Helen Fitzgerald is all over the place, the lucky minx. Sadly, I shall miss her Glasgow event by two days, and her Berlin event by two months. Luckily, I get to quiz her at Crimefest, along with Douglas Lindsay, Michael Malone and Damien Seaman. And Christopher Brookmyre, Stuart MacBride and Craig Robertson will be revealing their secrets in Aberdeen at the end of May. And Irvine Welsh will be appearing at Apple's Glasgow Buchanan Street store on Sunday to talk about ECSTACY. And here's the man himself as an extra in FILTH, which is currently filming in Edinburgh.

Lots of reviews today. Eurocrime reviews Craig Russell's THE DEEP DARK SLEEP, The Big Issue reviews Peter May's THE LEWIS MAN, Bestsellersworld on DEATH OF A KINGFISHER by M C Beaton, Norm at Crimescraps on Charles Cumming's THE TRINITY SIX, WildmooBooks reviews Val McDermid's REPORT FOR MURDER, Rikki's Teleidoscope reviews Alexander McCall Smith's THE COMFORTS OF A MUDDY SATURDAY.

The Indie Pedant looks forward to Irvine Welsh's SKAGBOYS.

Lovely Scottish publisher Blasted Heath buys a black comedy called THE VANITY GAME by H J Hampson. Excellent! I love black comedy and I love football. Result.

Popmatters reports that US crime overtakes British romance in British libraries. Luckily, Ian Rankin is holding up the side for the Brits.

Edinburgh's New Town to celebrate its literary history. And The Scotsman reports that Scottish arts would benefit from Scottish independence.

Jonny Lee Miller is to play Sherlock Holmes in a US TV version set in contemporary New York.

Denise Mina talks to Forbidden Planet about comics.

Finally, the Herald are looking for your help to come up with the rest of the list of the Top 100 Scottish novels. They already have 30 and there are plenty of familiar names in there.

CrimeFest Report - A Tale of Two Colins

Another CrimeFest panel report. Jake Kerridge interviewed Colin Bateman and Colin Cotterill, and an excellent interview it was too. Both of them are funny and interesting.

Jake Kerridge started off by saying that the name 'Colin' is Gaelic for a young dog, or cur, or whelp. He noted that the two Colins look like adorable puppies!

Colin Cotterill firstly did his usual trick of taking photos of the audience. He explained that this was because where he lives a local shaman specialises in photos and can put curses on people that way. He said that if anyone in the audience let their mobile phone ring "Don't be surprised if you wake up with feathers sticking out of the back of your head." He then told a story about photoshopping the same woman into three photos and giving them to a class of students. They spotted the woman in two photos and were freaked out. Colin, on the other hand was freaked out because she had disappeared from the third photo.

In Colin Bateman's book I PREDICT A RIOT, the dedication is to "My Christian name, gone but not forgotten." He commented that Colin isn't really an action sort of name. Colin Cotterill then said that he was going to drop both his names.

Jake asked them whether they had any idea where the ability to make people laugh comes from.

Colin Bateman said that he had no idea. When he was 17 and a quiet and shy journalist in Bangor, he was asked to be the paper's gossip columnist. However, he was so shy and quiet that he didn't gossip about anyone and wrote abut his own life. He said that a lot of a writer goes into the characters in a book, but it's a fictitious version. Once, when he was in Amsterdam, he got pushed up against a wall by some blokes. His immediate reaction was to "scream like a girl". In a book, his character would have disarmed the men.

Colin Cotterill said "It takes me a long time to be spontaneous."

When asked whether they make themselves laugh out loud, Colin Bateman said "No, that would be weird." and Colin Cotterill said "Yes, but only because I drink a lot of red wine."

Jake asked Colin Bateman where the Mystery Man series came from (this one features the owner of No Alibis bookstore as protagonist). Colin said that he always does his book launches at the No Alibis bookstore and he always reads something from the beginning of the book. When launching his Dan Starkey novel, he felt uncomfortable reading this out as almost all the first chapter is about masturbation. So, instead, he wrote a short story featuring the owner of the bookstore (the owner said he could write anything he wanted as long as he didn't make him a pedophile). Now, people go into No Alibis just to look at the owner.

When asked whether he had the same problem re characters masturbating, Colin Cotterill's response was "Most of my characters are over 70 so it doesn't come up."

Colin Cotterill noted that the next Dr Siri has Americans in - there have never been any western characters in previous books.

Colin Bateman said that Mystery Man is not a typical protagonist. He's an unreliable narrator, his thoughts just come out, and he's a coward, a hypochondriac and manic depressive.

Colin C's new series features a female journalist protagonist called Jimm Juree. Colin said that where he lives there is no crime. The police station doesn't even have a jail. Police officers in Thailand are never sacked, they are just transferred. And they are transferred to a place like the one where Colin lives. However, although there is no crime, from talking to the local people, Colin has discovered loads of hidden secrets (including the fact that the little old couple who run the greengrocers are not married and the woman had her husband killed. Colin is now afraid to go out after dark.

Colin B said that in DR YES he is making fun of fanatical crime fiction fans. His main bad guy came about through a crime fan who mentioned that he had just quit his job at Madame Tussauds and now freelances and travels the world with a wax copy of his own head (apparently, wax models of your head sell very well). Also, Augustine Wogan is based on an obscure crime fiction writer from Belfast who self-published in the 1980s. He made a good point that it is only in the last 10 years that traditional crime fiction has been published in Northern Ireland. Previously it was all paramilitary type stuff. He said "We are the new Scandinavians."

Colin Cotterill said that he's not particularly complimentary about the governments of Laos and Thailand. When his second book came out, he was worried that he wasn't going to be let back in. However, he said that he needn't have worried, as the 5 new computers at the airport remained unplugged for three years. He said that, although he comes back to Britain as a tourist, and feels more comfortable in Thailand, it can be a dangerous place and people who try to complain about the system can sometimes disappear. Researching Laos in the 1970s for the Dr Siri books was quite difficult as it was a period in history when there was no news - journalists were kicked out at the time. However that gives him the opportunity to make it all up.

Colin Bateman said that for EMPIRE STATE all his research was based on a leaflet given out at the Empire State Building. He doesn't enjoy research. He said writing that one was his plan to become extremely rich. However, it was the only one not to be published in the US.

Colin B does not outline. He generally write a book in around 30 days. Colin C writes the story by hand in about 3 weeks and then goes back and edits.

Colin C said that he does not want his books to be translated into Thai.

Colin B said that his popularity was like the ripples in a pond. In his own house he is extremely popular. The further away you get from his house, the less popular he gets.

CrimeFest Panel Report 2 - Bringing Up Baby

Following earlier posts, here's the second panel report.

This one was Bringing Up Baby - Creating Believable Sleuths. Panellists were Paul Johnston, L C Tyler, Christopher Wakling and Anne Zouroudi, moderated by Zoë Sharp. I always like to see the panels Zoë moderates - they are good fun and she asks excellent questions.

Zoë asked whether heroes need to be heroic. Len Tyler said that the realism of the character is in the flaws but that sometimes the trend is to make characters a little too flawed. Anne Zouroudi says that she has problems because her protagonist is not a typical detective, so it's difficult to give him flaws. She commented that it was Sherlock Holmes' flaws which make him interesting and that flaws are essential in any believable character. She agreed, though, that some flaws are becoming a bit of a cliche these days. Despite their flaws, the best protagonists have a good side which redeems them. Christopher Wakling said that he likes relatively mundane flaws and made everyone laugh when he said that his character's flaw is that he needs a haircut (I really want to read the book after that!) The character is frustrated and bored and it is those things which power the book. Paul Johnston said that the flaws needn't be in the detective but in the context he or she finds themselves in. For example, with Alex Mavros, what drives him as a missing persons specialist is the fact that he lost his brother.

Zoë asked Anne how much setting moulds the character. She said that Hermes is a figure of justice and he grew out of her interest in Greek mythology and Jungian psychology, and he grew out of the landscape. He was based on a Greek bank manager.

Zoë then asked Christopher Wakling what the differences were when setting a character in a historical time period. He said that he did loads of research on the slave trade in Bristol, wrote a really long book, and then cut all the research out. He looked for the universal things.

Len was asked how he arrived at his narrative style of having two first person narrators. He said that he did it because he enjoyed reading it in other people's books and it gives him the opportunity to use different typefaces. It also gives two completely different viewpoints.

Zoë asked the panel how they go about creating a character. Chris said that it was an organic process and he adds to the character as he goes through the book. He commented that he teaches creative writing and he has a 150 question questionnaire which he gives to students asking about their character. He'd never done that himself and, when he was bored one day, he started to do it for his own protagonist and realised that he didn't know half the answers. Anne felt that to do that would kill a story dead. She starts out with a glimpse of a character. She said that, when creating a character, you have a role for them and that, for example, if you're creating a baddie, you wouldn't have a woman who bakes cup-cakes (I actually think that would be a good idea). She then writes the details in afterwards.

Paul was of the opinion that you have to leave gaps for the reader, and he doesn't tend to use a lot of physical description. In the first book of his Matt Wells series, the character is completely driven by revenge after being drpped by his agent an publisher (written after Paul was dropped by his agent and publisher...). Len said that you need to keep track of the characters somehow, especially when writing a series.

Zoë asked Len what he did to create conflict. He said that he once read a book about writing which said 'no conflict = no story'. He said that he has conflict between Ethelred and Elsie and that Ethelred also has a conflict with modernity.

The next question for the panel was whether they had ever painted themselves into a corner. Paul said that there will always be someone who sends you an e-mail to tell you where you have gone wrong. The important thing for his is to show the effect of the story on the character. Anne said that it is important not to get bored with the things that you have made your touchstones, and that those details can be very comforting to readers. Chris Wakling said that he writes standalones and so creates new characters each time. He once wrote a dog into a book with a very small part, but when he decided to change its name, the dog suddenly became very important and he had to change things.

Zoë then asked how the panellists chose their character names. Chris said that he had a character called Harry Brinkman but nobody got the significance (I have to confess that I am one of those nobodies :o) ). Len said that in his latest book, all his characters are named after fictional characters in crime fiction, and no-one has noticed. However, in the middle of those is the random name of someone who won a character named after them in an auction. Zoë said that she had this problem too - one of her books has a character called Frances Neagley, who won this at an auction. However, Frances Neagley also bid to be a character in a Lee Child novel and Zoë said that she'd been accused of stealing the name!

Paul Johnston said that, when he was thinking of a name for his Quintillian Dalrymple character, he wanted a protagonist with the initials QED. The best he could come up with for the E, when sitting in a pub with a friend, was Eric. So Quint doesn't have a middle name after all! Mavros is Greek for 'black' and is a play on noir, and for Matt Wells he wanted a bland, uncontroversial name. However, soon after the book came out he received an e-mail from a Guardian journalist called Matt Wells.

Zoë asked whether people ever spotted something about themselves (either rightly or wrongly) in the panellists' books. Anne Zouroudi said that she sometimes borrows physical descriptions from people, but that she doesn't know anyone interesting enough to be a full character. Paul said that he once killed his ex-wife in a novel and she didn't notice. He has also used other real people - heavily (or not so heavily) disguised. Len said that he once wrote a hideous caricature of a female novelist he didn't like. However, as he was writing the book, he got to like the real life person better and, as a result, the character in the book became nicer too. Zoë said that she has run out of people she doesn't like and now takes requests (note to self, never piss Zoë off).

The panellists were then asked how much of themselves is in their characters. Anne said that her son thinks she is Hermes to a T, and sometimes it's subconscious. Paul said that with Matt Wells he was definitely sending himself up, as well as his ex-publisher and ex-agent.

Zoë asked what annoyed the panellists in characters they read. Paul said that he can't stand snobbery and class - so one of his least favourite characters is Lord Peter Wimsey. Chris Wakling said that he dislikes American Psycho - not because he's a nasty character, but because he can read someone's business card across a room. Len recently read a book with a five year old narrator who acts like an adult. Anne's pet peeve was a general one - policemen who are grateful to members of the public who solve crimes and are quite happy to give them all sorts of information. She said that in real life, policemen try to keep the general public away from crime scenes. Zoë said that she dislikes characters who get things wrong. One of Dan Brown's characters escapes in a Range Rover and to Zoë it was clear that Dan Brown had never been near a Range Rover, let alone driven one.

There, I think that's it. A couple more to go over the next few days.

Crimefest Panel Report - Born To Be Bad

Following yesterday's general report from CrimeFest, I'm going to post a few specific panel reports. But, before I get to those, happy birthday to Badsville. This blog is 2 years old today, started after a conversation with the lovely Declan Burke at Crimefest 2 years ago.

And now, a panel report.

Born To Be Bad - The Nature of Evil. Panellists were Peter James, Steven Saylor, Yrsa Sigurdardottir and Andrew Taylor, moderated by Steve Mosby. First of all, Steve Mosby is an excellent moderator. He asked some really thoughtful, insightful questions and got a lot out of all the panellists.

I didn't realise, but Peter James started out writing supernatural thrillers. The first thing he did was to mention Steve's burglary, two days before (another thing which makes Steve a great moderator - he lost all his panel notes in the burglary and still managed to do a brilliant job). Peter James said that he has always been interested in whether there's such a thing as evil. He once spent a day at Broadmoor (as a visitor, rather than an inmate) and said that it seemed as though everyone fitted into two categories - schizophrenic and treatable, or sociopath/psychopath and wired differently. With the latter category, it depends on your parents and upbringing as to whether you turn out to be a political leader or a murderous serial killer (editor's note - sometimes, the two are interchangeable).

Steve said to Steven Saylor that there's a verb in Japanese (Tsujigiri) which means "to try out one's sword on a chance wayfarer" and asked whether that viewpoint affected what he writes, given the historical setting. Steven Saylor said that young Spartans were allowed to go out and kill helot people for sport. He said that a lot of historical novels glamourise people like Julius Caesar etc, but, in reality "great people of history are like the larger carnivora - best viewed through stout bars." He noted that Nero had really just wanted to be an actor and added "If only they'd had 'Rome's Got Talent'." He also said that, worryingly, he'd had 2 e-mails from readers who were moved by his apparently 'sympathetic portrayal of Nero". "I hope not." he said.

Steve asked Andrew Taylor whether he felt there were answers to present situations to be found in the past. Andrew said that, when you write novels set in the past, you realise that people felt very differently about good and evil and right and wrong back then. During the investigations into the murders by Fred and Rosemary West (which were local to him) he noted the black humour that came out (including a joke about an estate agent selling the house in Cromwell Street "two up, seven down", even though the feeling that swept the neighbourhood was an almost atavistic fear. He said that the Roth Trilogy has a central theme of evil and good, right and wrong, lawful and unlawful, and that crime writers can find a lot of interesting stuff in the gaps. He also asked how it was that people who worked in the concentration camps could be so nice at home.

Peter James goes out on patrol with the police and that he is most interested in murder as it is the one irreversible crime. He noted that he didn't think that all murder was evil (which caused a bit of a stramash during audience questions!). He said that he thought people like Fred West and the BTK killer were evil. Steve said that Ted Bundy had once said "What's a few less people on the face of the planet?"

Steve asked Yrsa whether she had ever based her books on any real life cases, to which she answered that, generally, that would make unreadable fiction. Murders in Iceland are domestic, mundane and bland in Iceland. She said that Iceland had only ever had one serial killer and he had only killed two people. She then went on to explain about the case, which sounded pretty horrible - an 11 year old boy who drowned two other boys. He was a sociopath who had been abused by his stepfather. She also referred back to the point made about the nature of evil then and now - commenting on what Steven Saylor had said about Ancient Rome. She noted that back then, the government would think nothing of putting people in an arena and then setting fire to it (hmmmmm, remind me not to go to the Olympics next year), whereas today that would be unimaginable. Steven Saylor then made the very good point that we would be more than happy to go and see a film about it, though. It was agreed that evil is a very uncomfortable subject on all sorts of levels.

Steve then asked Andrew Taylor whether crime fiction was a bit conservative - ie whether we like everything to be tied up neatly at the end. Andrew said that with crime fiction you take the most awful thing that can happen to someone. 9 times out of 10 it is resolved at the end. Peter James said that one of the reasons people read crime fiction is for the puzzle. However, there are more reasons and that crime fiction is the biggest selling genre in the English speaking world. He said we are genetically programmed to survive.

The topic was then thrown open to the audience for questions. Natasha Cooper asked about Peter James' comment that there is murder that is evil and murder that is not, and that his comment was like Kenneth Clarke's comment about rape. Peter James said it was different because the clear-up rate for murder is 92% and the clear-up rate for rape is 2%. Also, the chance of being raped by a stranger is very slim, while the chance of being raped by someone you know is very high but the effect is identical on every victim. He said that what he meant with his comment on murder is that there is a difference between a serial killer and the man that kills his wife in a drunken rage - ie that the difference is in the intent.

Another question from the audience was whether the panel were ever worried that the books they write stimulate people to commit murder. Steven Saylor said that he gets a free pass on this one as he writes historical fiction. Yrsa said that she didn't worry about it at all, since Icelandic criminals are stupid. "Murderers don't go looking for stuff like that." Andrew Taylor agreed, saying "If you're going to be a killer, you're going to do it without any help from me." He said that to read a book requires very different skills from those you need to psych yourself up for a killing. Peter James mentioned that the killers of Jamie Bulger got the idea from the film Chuckie. However, he added that crime fiction and increased forensic awareness was more likely to give villains ideas about how not to get arrested - although they were more than likely to wear a SOCO suit and gloves and then throw the gloves in the nearest bin.

Peter James said that the darker the character of a fictional villain, the more readers love the character. Steve Mosby made a very interesting comment that, while this applied to murderers, it didn't apply to all crimes, noting that there were no books with rapists or paedophiles as protagonists (an excellent and very chilling point - especially when you consider the popularity of a character like Dexter).

A further questioner asked whether the panel thought evil could be the gradual nibbling away of good. Andrew Taylor said that a lot of crime is banal and Peter James said that after a lot of murders you often see press interviews that say "He was so nice, I never would have guessed."

The panel were then asked to what level of evil they would go. Andrew Taylor very honestly said that if he'd been in the SS he thought he would have been socialised into evil. Yrsa said that to be evil, she thought that you have to have the capacity for hate.

Phew - I think that's enough today. It took me longer to write that, than it took to listen to the panel :o) I made notes at three other panels so will write them up over the next couple of days. I attended other panels but didn't take notes.

The Warm Glow of CrimeFest

Back from CrimeFest. Apologies for not blogging but things were just too hectic. Besides, internet access in the hotel cost something like £3000 per night (just slightly cheaper than a Southern Comfort and lemonade at the bar).

It was a brilliant weekend. Lots of old friends hugged, lots of new friends made (and some of those were hugged), the panels I went to were excellent (I shall write reports up of some of them over the next few days), the panels I moderated went well - I think - thanks to my lovely panelists. And I didn't vomit all over them, so that was a bonus. More of those panels later in this post.

The best part of the weekend is getting to spend time with people I really don't spend enough time with and laughing a lot. Some of those moments could not possibly be reported here.

My Mum and Dad made went too, and that was lovely. I took them out to dinner on the Thursday and after that my Mum and I went to the ballet. When we came back to the hotel we discovered my Dad in the bar. I was greeted with "Oh, Donna, we've been hearing all about you from your Dad." Oh. Shite. That phrase followed me all weekend. And each time, it worried me more. My Mum and Dad had a great time, as always. Everyone was lovely to them, and my Mum got to chat to some actor from Heartbeat, spend a weekend saying "Eee, our Donna, where on earth did you get those bloody shoes?" and buy a monkey for her 'grandson' Chris Ewan. As an aside, at the Gala Dinner, when neither Chris nor I won the Last Laugh Award (it was won by the charming Len Tyler who will no longer be able to remove his lucky tie) this conversation ensued between Mum and me.

"So you and Chris didn't win, then?"
"No, Mum."
"That's a shame."
"Thanks, Mum, but it's OK - I didn't expect to win."
"I didn't mean YOU, our Donna. I wanted Chris to win."
"Thanks Mum."

On to panel reports.

On Friday I was moderating two panels.

The first was I Was A Male Warbride: Confessions of a Crime Fiction Author - with Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Douglas Lindsay and Steve Mosby. They were brilliant - interesting, funny, and they submitted to my terrible questions with panache and aplomb. As well as asking them questions about their books, I interspersed these with confession-type questions - whether they had ever done anything illegal, most embarrassing moment etc. I wish I'd been in the audience, rather than actually asking the questions, because I would love to report on their great responses. They all submitted gracefully to having to do homework in advance. I asked them to read out their worst ever review, and also to write the beginning of a story with an animal protagonist.

Here are the stories

Douglas Lindsay's story is here: http://www.barney-thomson.com/blog.asp?blogid=4876

Helen Fitzgerald's story:

Her husband hanged me from the Rowan tree. Said she needed to let go of her attachment to me. “You can’t replace the real world with that fucking bunny,” he said. At ten o’clock tonight, he found me in her secret place, took me out into the garden, looped a string around my neck, and hanged me while she banged on the window of her locked bedroom. It’s after eleven now and she can still see me. She’s stopped screaming, but she’s crying, hands touching glass as she watches me go. I’m not dead yet and she knows it. She can see my ears quivering, less and less rampant as the insides of me flatten. "I’m going now," I say with barely moving ears.

Her husband has unlocked the door. "Come on," he orders, "come to bed." He has no settings, this murderer, no buzz no matter where or how hard she she presses.

She kisses her fingertips and touches the glass. "Arriverderci my rabbit," she says. "my every time dead cert. I must go and endure the real world."

Chris Ewan's story:

A Fly Vendetta Thriller

I was a fly in a glass. There was water inside the glass. There was a throwaway coaster on the end of it. The water was sloshing around. I was sloshing with it. This was on account of the movie that had been playing on a TV over the bar. Not a bad movie. Except for one scene. A scene where some guy drowned a fly in water and then brought it back to life with a sprinkling of salt. Now every chump in the bar wanted to drown a fly. Every guy wanted to produce a little magic with some salt. And I happened to get the goof who was just a bit dumber than most. He gave me a real good shake. A real thorough drenching. Like I was in a washing machine. Like I was in a toilet flush. Then he dumped me on a napkin and tipped half a pound of salt over me. I wasn’t crazy about this guy. I was buzzing mad. First thing I did when I came round was I gave him the finger. Flies can do that. Maybe you didn’t know. Truth is, flies can do a lot of things. They can mess with you in all kinds of ways. I was going to mess with this guy. And no amount of salt was going to help him.

Steve Mosby's story:

Action thriller with STIs

As Corporal Green discharged his final rounds at the army of antibiotics advancing on his position, he glanced down at his fallen comrades and was finally forced to accept the harshness of his predicament. I'm a goner, he told himself. I'm a goner 'ere.

Brilliant stuff.

My second panel was Monkey Business: The Last Laugh shortlist panel. Panellists were Colin Bateman, Colin Cotterill, Chris Ewan and L C Tyler. Again, they were excellent and great fun. Again, they were gracious enough to submit to homework. This time, a fascinating fact and an alternative bio.

Fascinating Facts

Chris - I once worked as a chemical cleaner in a meat factory. After that, I worked in a factory making Glade Plug-it-in, Plug-it-ins. Neither job was as glamorous as it sounds, although they both paid better than being a crime writer.

Colin C - I was kicked out of the recovery ward after my circumcision after the nuns discovered I'd drawn cartoons of them on the wall behind the curtain.

Len - I once had a very long conversation with the King of Norway about Newcastle United.

Colin B - I am personally responsible for the Nolan Sisters reforming.

Alternative Bios

Chris Ewan had the idea for the Millennium Trilogy several years before Stieg Larsson began writing the series, but he’s never claimed any royalties because he’s such a nice guy. But he’s no pushover, either, and if Stephenie Meyer doesn’t pay up soon, his legal team are going to tear her a new one. Born and raised in Professor Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, he currently lives in your home, in the small back bedroom you rarely go into. He generally keeps himself to himself, but sometimes he likes to watch you sleep. He never touches you, though. He leaves that to the guy who lives in your attic.

Colin B - I once sat on a wall beside Matt Damon; Matt Damon failed to recognise me. I'm the only man in history to have been sued for libel by the Boys Brigade. Things have been much better since I got out of prison. (NB - most of Colin's is actually true).

Many authors write under a pen-name and live their life under their real name. Len Tyler writes under his real name and does his day jobs under a variety of aliases. Those familiar with Len's film work, for example, will know him as Daniel Craig. As Jenson Button he regularly drives for Maclaren. Finally, if you were watching a certain wedding at the end of last month, you will probably have caught a glimpse of Len in his latest day-job as Leghumper the Royal corgi.

Colin Cotterill, after years of dreaming of becoming a woman, was rejected by the surgical assessment team for being 'too manly'. He used the operation money instead to bribe a publisher into printing his first book. He then bribed a few hundred people into buying them and has been pumping money into the readership pool ever since. Asked if he has no shame he replied, 'no'.

I'll post more reports over the next few days.

In the meantime - thanks to friends old and new for making it such a great weekend. Too many names to mention, but you know who you are. I really had a brilliant time and am still basking in the warm glow of happiness. Crime fiction fans and writers are just the nicest people. And big congratulations to Adrian and Myles for putting on such an excellent convention.

Pre-Crimefest Summary

A very brief post today. I'm down in Bristol helping with CrimeFest preparations (a very grand term for acting as Adrian's skivvy. Today I have been putting together prize book bags (every panel has a book giveaway). This evening I will be stuffing envelopes for delegates. In the meantime, I am drinking one of Adrian's enormous cocktails. Delegates - expect to get the wrong things in your envelopes.

I'm moderating two panels on Friday:

I Was A Male Warbride - Confessions of A Crime Fiction Author - with Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Douglas Lindsay and Steve Mosby at 11.20. I set them homework - all they had to do was write the first paragraph of a story featuring an animal protagonist. Based on what I have already seen, anyone with good taste should not attend this panel.

The Last Laugh Award Shortlist Panel - with Colin Bateman, Colin Cotterill, Chris Ewan and L C Tyler at 2.10pm.

So, just a few wee snippets in the meantime.

A review of Kate Atkinson's STARTED EARLY, TOOK MY DOG.

Quintin Jardine at Waterstone's in Livingstone on June 8th. Before that, Christopher Brookmyre talks about WHERE THE BODIES ARE BURIED, in Glasgow on June 6th.

Denise Mina will be appearing on the BBC2 Review Show's monthly book programme on May 27th. And a review of the TV version of FIELD OF BLOOD.

More about Ian Rankin and the scholarship.

And he's not Scottish, but here's a great article on, and interview with, one of my favourite authors - Colin Cotterill.

I hope to have time to post while at Crimefest, but if not, see you all after the weekend.

What I Read in March and April

First of all, I've been given 2 weekend passes to Crimefest (worth £140 each) to give away on the blog. If you would like to win one or both (I can give them away singly or as a pair) then either leave a comment below, or send me an e-mail, telling me who your ideal panellist would be and what you would like to hear them talk about.

I didn't have as much time as I would have liked for reading in March and April, but what I did read was excellent. I also read a couple of excellent manuscripts which I haven't listed here.

THE BARBER SURGEON'S HAIRSHIRT - Douglas Lindsay
Published: originally 1999
Publisher: Kindle
Setting: Scotland
Protagonist: Barney Thomson
Series?: Second
First Lines: 'Brother Festus. An honest man. Weird name; honest nonetheless.'

Barney Thomson - Scotland's unluckiest and most endearing serial killer - is on the run. Not only is he being hunted by the police for several murders he didn't commit (as well as a couple he did, but they were accidents, really they were), he's also being hounded by the Press and is the subject of dramatic headlines such as Thomson Slaughters Ninety-Eight Women in Terror Week (The Sun), Wave of Naked Bank Robberies Pinned on Thomson (The Herald) and How Barber Surgeon Made Goram Let in Five Against Portugal in '93 (the Daily Record). When it comes down to it, all Barney is really guilty of is being rubbish at small talk, fancying his sister-in-law and being a tad dull.

He decides to seek refuge somewhere where his heinous crimes won't have been heard of. Enter Brother Jacob of the Holy Order of the Monks of St John, who is soon treating the other monks to some excellent barbering (Brother Cadfael, Sean Connery in Name of The Rose, Christian Slater in Name of the Rose, F Murray Abraham in Name of the Rose - you get the idea). Unfortunately, he just happens to have chosen a monastery where everyone has their own secrets (is it only Brother Mince who remembers the harsh winter of 1938 and the rumours of cannibalism?). Not only that but Barney appears to be surplus to requirements - the monastery already has its own serial killer.

Fast, funny, twisted, over-the-top and bloody good fun.

CRIMEFACTORY 2, VOLUME 2 - Various
Published: 2010
Publisher: Kindle
Setting: Various
Protagonist: n/a
Series?: Anthology
First Line: 'You wake up in a sweat.' from the story by Josh Converse

I already mentioned this anthology in a previous post - it's chock full of great stuff. My favourite part of it is Jimmy Callaway's brilliant essay on William Lindsay Gresham - author of NIGHTMARE ALLEY (one of my favourite noirs - which was turned into a film that was almost as good). I love Jimmy Callaway's writing - both fiction and non-fiction. And that's not the only great thing about this particular edition of Crime Factory. It also has an essay by one of my very favourite people - Reed Farrel Coleman - about his transformation from poet to mystery author, and his inspirations in the genre, a great part story by Kieran Shea that I want to read more of, and some excellent short fiction - my favourites being SOME DAY WE'LL ALL BE FREE by Ray Banks and HAMMER AND NAIL by Josh Converse. All that plus interviews and film reviews. What more could you want?

THE BASTARD HAND - Heath Lowrance
Published: 2011
Publisher: New Pulp Press
Setting: Mostly Mississippi and Tennessee
Protagonist: Charles Wesley
Series?: Standalone
First Line: 'My Apocalypse began without the fanfare you might expect.'

So says drunken, violent drifter Charles Wesley - a man who hears the voice of his dead brother and who should really be back in the Institution he ran away from. You have been warned. What you really don't need when you're already as crazy as they come is to meet the Reverend Phineas Childe - ostensibly a Man of God; in reality a man out for himself - a man who uses his 'calling' to enjoy wine, women and song - heavy on the wine and women, not so much on the song. Think Robert Mitchum's Harry Powell in Night of the Hunter - only even more warped, manipulative and scary (which I didn't think was possible). Wesley - against his better judgement - is persuaded by the charismatic preacher to accompany him to the small rural town of Cuba Landing, where Childe is the new pastor. God help Cuba Landing, because Childe certainly won't. Heath Lowrance serves up a brilliantly nasty slice of tough, gritty noir served with sides of retribution, weirdness and ugliness. Delightfully warped and dirty - yum yum. No characters to root for - just a cast of deliciously noxious characters. No happy endings, just truculent, indecorous pleasure in a tale told with great gusto.

THORN IN MY SIDE - Sheila Quigley
Published: 2011
Publisher: Burgess Books
Setting: Mostly Holy Island and Northumbria
Protagonist: DI Mike Yorke
Series?: First
First Line: '"Non." One word of defiance. Spoken quietly but with an unbreakable finality.'

After a few months down south, DI Mike Yorke is glad to be going back home to north-east England. There, he gets involved in a truly bizarre and horrific case. I don't want to say too much about the plot because one of the pleasures of this book is seeing how everything unfolds, but it's a gripping tale of missing children, horribly flogged corpses and much, much more. Really well drawn characters - especially the troubled street kid, Smiler, who Mike sort of adopts. I really look forward to reading more about him in future books. The Holy Island setting is intriguing and atmospheric. Great stuff.

RADGEPACKET 5 - Various
Published: 2011
Publisher: Byker Books
Setting: Various
Protagonist: Various
Series?: Anthology
First Line: 'It began when Harold urinated on his cavalry twill slacks.'

What can I say, those radge lads at Byker Books have done it again. The stories, as ever, run the gamut of the mad, the bad and the sad in the 19 short stories and 1 novella. Reading this slim volume is like taking a pleasant night-time stroll, only to find yourself in a dark alley with 20 sweaty, grubby, sweary nutters all peeing on your shoes. It's difficult to pick favourites, but I think the ones that stayed with me longest were Paul Brazill's A Man On The Run, Darren Sant's Backstreet Redemption, Martyn Taylor's Bridge Builders, Ian Ayris' Contagious and Blaine Ward's The Islets Of Langerhans, but each story offers its own special delectation. Demented, unhinged, coarse and indecent - I'd definitely like to spend a night out with this lot.

Have a lovely weekend, Dear Reader.

All news is good news

For those of you who followed my Alaskan Misadventures blog while I was there, you may be interested in Alaska Dreams Travel Far. A film crew is following the students of Stony River's Gusty Michael School, which I visited last year, as they prepare for a once in a lifetime trip to California. I am so thrilled for them all. They are very special people and I miss them every day.

Errrrrrrrr...Crimefest shortlists have been announced. Congratulations to all the nominees. I am so chuffed to be in such brilliant company.

Paul Brazill conducts a short, sharp interview with Ray Banks.

Chris Ewan talks about his TV deal.

Irvine Welsh talks about ECSTACY.

Stuart MacBride talks to the Vancouver Sun.

Christopher Brookmyre is appearing at the Reading Festival of Crime Writing in September.

The LA Times reviews Philip Kerr's FIELD GRAY.

Shadow and Act wants to bring back the TV version of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency.

Aly Monroe with a wonderful blog post, as ever.

Bad News, Good News, More Good News

Bad news and good news from Crimefest. The bad news is that Don Winslow has had to withdraw which is a real shame. The good news is that the excellent and very funny Christopher Brookmyre will be taking his place as Toastmaster. Having seen him in action a few times, I know he will be both funny and interesting, so I'm looking forward to that. I can't believe it's only a month away. I've already set my panelists their homework (I'm seriously worried, based on a recent tweet by the lovely Steve Mosby), but I need to prepare my questions and re-read some of their books. I am moderating two panels. Both on Friday (so at least I get the nervous torment over early) I WAS A MALE WARBRIDE - CONFESSIONS OF A CRIME FICTION AUTHOR, with Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Douglas Lindsay and Steve Mosby; and MONKEY BUSINESS - WHEN MISCHIEVOUS CROSSES OVER INTO DECEITFUL BEHAVIOUR, with Colin Bateman, Colin Cotterill, Chris Ewan and L C Tyler.

The BBC's response to the genre fiction debate.

If you're in the Isle of Man next Wednesday, go and help Chris Ewan launch his new book THE GOOD THIEF'S GUIDE TO VENICE. I've just got a copy of it and am well chuffed as it's one of my favourite series.

Alexander McCall Smith's opera, a report on a recent event in New Jersey, and a review of THE DOUBLE COMFORT SAFARI CLUB.

Philip Kerr discusses his protagonist with Boston.com.

And, finally, not Scottish, but excellent news, the lovely people at Hard Case Crime are bringing out a never-before-published novel by the late, great Donald Westlake.

Have a lovely Easter, Dear Reader.

Crimefest , Battles and Strippers

The Crimefest programme is up. Look at my lovely panelists. Despite the fact that being on a panel makes me physically sick, I'm excited to be asking all these lovely people questions.

At 11.20 am on Friday
I Was A Male Warbride: Confessions Of A Crime Fiction Author

• Chris Ewan
• Helen Fitzgerald
• Douglas Lindsay
• Steve Mosby
• Moderator: Donna Moore
  

At 2.10 pm on Friday
Monkey Business: When Mischievous Crosses Over Into Deceitful Behaviour

• Colin Bateman
• Colin Cotterill
• Chris Ewan
• L.C. Tyler
• Moderator: Donna Moore

I want to be Ian Rankin - not only does he get to attend video shoots (I love this song by St Jude's Infirmary), but he gets to talk to all sorts of cool musicians. Here he is, in conversation with Stuart Braithwaite from Mogwai who, incidentally, I saw in concert a couple of weeks ago (and who were most excellent). And here's Mr Rankin discussing Miss Jean Brodie.

My Favourite Books blog on Craig Robertson's RANDOM. And a eview of Philip Kerr's FIELD GREY.

An interview with Charles Cumming.

And Peter May talks about his latest book THE BLACKHOUSE.

Alexander McCall Smith and the Battle for Prestonpans.

And, finally, I'm definitely writing a story about this one. One thing strikes me though - she must have either big garters or fat legs to fit that amount of money in (I'm assuming it wasn't in $100 bills).

Lemmings, Warbrides, Monkeys and Rhinos

Well, this weekend's cinematic viewing was a bit of a duffer - a French film called Lemming. We put it on our Lovefilm list with high hopes, having seen the excellent Harry, He's Here To Help from the same director the previous week. Unfortunately, it was pretentious, overwrought, incomprehensible twaddle. Oh well, you can't win them all.

Crimefest moderators and panellists are being contacted with their assignments. I'm moderating two panels. One of them is called I Was A Male Warbride: Confessions of A Crime Fiction Author and will feature Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Douglas Lindsay and Steve Mosby. Yesssssssssss! What a lucky moderator I am. I am already devising some fiendish homework for my lovely panellists. Possibly the history of the cosy mystery through the medium of interpretative dance. For the other panel - titled Monkey Business - not all the panellists have come back yet to say they're available so I'd better shut up about that one, but it's also a cracker. And yes, there is a theme to the panel titles.

A review of Christopher Brookmyre's PANDAEMONIUM.

I always read the International Crime Authors blog with interest - they always have such great posts. I mostly link to those penned by Colin Cotterill, who is a comedy genius, and a lovely man to boot (not that I would, of course - that wouldn't be nice). Today, however, here's an excellent post by Margie Orford on the ethics of writing about crime.

No Scottish Academy of Literature after all.

Ian Rankin's naughty neighbours.

Gillian Galbraith is doing some events in Edinburgh in March.

Alexander McCall Smith offers to buy a rhino for Edinburgh.

Sunday Summary and Monday Winner

First of all, thank you for the good wishes! Back from a weekend in Bristol where we finalised the programme for Crimefest without too much stress (mine) and pain (Adrian's). Lots of great authors going and I'm really looking forward to it.

An excellent article in the music magazine Hot Press in which Doug Johnstone talks whisky and crime fiction. And here is his list of forthcoming events. I can't wait to get my hands on SMOKEHEADS.

Read 'Em, Don't Weep reviews Alexander McCall Smith's THE CHARMING QUIRKS OF OTHERS, PhiloBiblos with a few words for Charles Cummings' THE TRINITY SIX - which gets a few more words in The Scotsman, and Paul Brazill with a small but perfectly formed review of the small but perfectly formed KILLING MUM by Allan Guthrie.

Alexander McCall Smith talks to the Mail Online.

Over at Travelling Booky, a run down of M C Beaton's Hamish MacBeth mysteries.

The Museum of The Macabre talks about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and the History of Spiritualism.

Philip Kerr will be appearing in Toronto on April 20th.

And, finally, after putting all the names in my favourite pair of Docs, the winner of Tony Black's TRUTH LIES BLEEDING is Janet. Janet - if you send me your address I'll forward it to the lovely people at Random House.

All Change On The Western Front

Well, it's all change around these parts. I was made redundant on Tuesday. Scary, but good. I'm going to use it as a way to have a complete change of career (at nearly 50? What am I thinking?!) I'm hoping to go back to university and study for a Masters degree in Community Education and Development (if they'll have me). Anyone have any experience in that field? All hints and tips gratefully welcomed. This is going to seriously curtail my gadding off to conventions and trips to Alaska, but apart from that, I'm looking forward to it!

Do you remember the Ramones Challenge? Well, the mad genius that is Jimmy Callaway - who wrote a great story based on The KKK Took My Baby Away - has only gone and made it into a film, hasn't he? How utterly brilliant is this?

My Dad's recent find, Danielle Ramsay, will be appearing at Dundee Waterstones on Saturday 29th June at 1.30pm.

Ian Rankin: A Scots Hard Man.

Apparently, winter keeps Irvine Welsh writing.

Katie Anderson reviews Kate Atkinson's BEHIND THE SCENES AT THE MUSEUM, Steven Clark enjoys Stuart MacBride's HALFHEAD and Margaret at BooksPlease discovers Joyce Holms' Fizz and Buchanan series.

And now, I am off to Bristol for a weekend of eating, drinking and finalising the programme for Crimefest (which will no doubt involve me beating Adrian about the head as he tries to disrupt my carefully constructed house of cards, and him then plying me with several of his extremely strong cocktails to calm me down). Have a lovely weekend, Dear Reader.

It's Sunday - Honest

Goodness me - how late am I with my Sunday round-up? Things have been a tad hectic in Badsville. It was a busy weekend plus I'm half way through writing a screenplay and I've started on the programming for Crimefest - which is always a bit like herding cats, but is great fun. Does anyone have any panels they really enjoyed at conventions, or panel topics they would love to see? Let me know.

Ian Rankin panicking? Surely not.

Several reviews - first of all Val McDermid's TRICK OF THE DARK and THE MERMAIDS SINGING. The Book Jotter likes Nicola Upson's TWO FOR SORROW, which features Josephine Tey as protagonist. Bookgeeks on Denise Mina's A SICKNESS IN THE FAMILY, Thomas at Crime and Publishing enjoys Stuart MacBride's SHATTER THE BONES, and Small Town Girl over at I Meant To Read That... calls Allan Guthrie a bastard - but in a good way - after reading TWO-WAY SPLIT.

PW interviews Kate Atkinson, and Allan Guthrie talks cats and mats at Kindle Author.

Details for this year's Aye Write aren't yet available, but it looks as though Alexander McCall Smith will definitely be there.

Fancy a writing workshop with Val McDermid and R J Ellory?

Have a look at Helen Fitzgerald's trailer for Ex (which is Dutch for "Helen Fitzgerald is the rock chick of crime fiction".

And, finally, the lovely, lovely Tania of I Love A Good Mystery picks her favourite books for 2010. Not only does she have a fair old Scottish contingent in there but she also has some of my other favourites such as Steve Mosby and Duane Swierczynski.

Collapsing New People

An about-the-houses title for today's post. Anyone who can work out the convoluted machinations of my brain send me an e-mail to the usual address and I will pick one at random and send you either a copy of OLD DOGS or something from my book collection based on what I think you will like (and please don't think I will be offended if you say "For heaven's sake Donna, please please please don't send me OLD DOGS").

So, first of all, a request. We're off to Berlin for 6 days in September (woohoo!). Does anyone have any suggestions for things to see and do, and places to eat and drink? Any hot spots for music (Ewan and I both like indie/alternative/punk)? Anything quirky and off the beaten track we should see? We're staying 4 nights on the 21st floor of a 1960s concrete carbuncle that was the residence of GDR dignitaries (and still is, apparently), and 2 nights in a more conventional hotel. I can't wait.

Listen to some audio highlights from Harrogate Crime Festival here. And Janet O'Kane rounds up her own highlights from the Festival. Helen Carter over at the Guardian talks about braving the Dragons' Pen. Meanwhile, Ali over at the Rap Sheet is still catching up on Crimefest.

The Inverness Courier on the dark crime fiction coming out of Scotland, focusing on Tony Black and Craig Russell mostly. On the lighter side the Mystery Maven reviews M C Beaton's DEATH OF A VALENTINE. And the Mirror has an opinion on Craig Russell's THE LONG GLASGOW KISS, calls Stuart MacBride "tartan noir's greatest exponent" and enjoys Caro Ramsay's DARK WATER.

Catch Lin Anderson at Bonnybridge Library on August 12th, and Quintin Jardine in North Berwick.

Vikram with an interesting alternative perspective on Ian Rankin's LET IT BLEED.

And, finally, a fascinating snippet about Arthur Conan Doyle's father. Whilst Lone Locust Productions enjoyed the first episode of the new TV series.

Crimefest: The Lost Weekend

Well, it's back to normality after Crimefest. So many people have said it so much better than me (besides, I took copious notes at several panels and have now lost them) so here's a round-up of Crimefest blog posts:

The lovely and indefatigable Ayo had her laptop surgically attached to her fingers for this series of blog posts over at Shotsmag. She was also wearing the most gorgeous necklace for the gala dinner and looked stunning.

Karen from Eurocrime (who I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with) also has several posts up (and well done Karen for being in the winning quiz team!)

Loads of posts from Peter Rozovsky over at Detectives Beyond Borders. Peter caused me my most awkward moment of the weekend, of which more later, but he's still a top bloke.

Martin Edwards has a couple of posts up.

Zoe Sharp's photos over at Busted Flush Press.

My own experience of Crimefest was chock full of lovely people, and loads of hugs. I went down a couple of days early to help with the final arrangements. Basically, this meant being at the beck and call of both Adrian and Adrian and Jen's gorgeous little girl Eleanor. Sometimes I didn't know whether I was meant to be stuffing envelopes or jumping on the trampoline, sorting out the tables for the gala dinner or watching The Little Mermaid. I have to say that it's loads more fun being bossed about by Eleanor. Especially when Adrian casually mentioned to me on Wednesday evening "Oh, by the way, you're being interviewed on BBC Radio Bristol tomorrow." I said some very bad words. Luckily, my Mum has always said that I have a face for the radio, so that was a bonus. I have no idea what I said. Mercifully.

My Mum and Dad (aka Wallace and Gromit) were also there for the weekend so on Thursday we had a family dinner - with my annoying little brother Vincent Holland-Keen, and my son Chris Ewan.

Thursday's panels were excellent and very well attended.

I went to see Sheena is a Punk Rocker: Good Girls, Bad Girls & Everything In-between – Writing Female Protagonists with Cassandra Clark, Mary Andrea Clarke, Katherine Hall Page and Alison Joseph - excellently moderated by Cath Staincliffe. I made notes, so that I could give a full report, but have left my notepad in the hotel room. All the panellists had interesting and entertaining things to say but Katherine Hall Page impressed me the most. She had taken the time to read books by her fellow panellists, was genuinely interested in what they had to say, and made insightful comments about everyone else's books. What a thoroughly excellent panellist and nice person.

Next was Punishment Fits the Crime: Crime Fiction as Social Commentary - Writing About Society, Morality & Justice with Lesley Horton, Adrian Magson, Claire Seeber and Edward Marston. Steve Mosby is a wonderful moderator and asked some really great questions, getting the most out of his panellists. One thing I really like about going to panels is that I often find new authors to try. This time it was Lesley Horton, one of whose books I bought based on her panel appearance.

On Friday I had my panel Grimly Fiendish with Chris Ewan, Zoe Sharp, Steve Mosby and Helen Fitzgerald. I had given them homework to do - firstly to write a fake bio for themselves, secondly to write a crime poem (a task which they all moaned about on Twitter - apart from Zoe, but only because she's not on Twitter.) (Panel photo courtesy of Zoe Sharp and Andy Butler). I am trying to persuade them to let me post their poems here - along with an amazing one written during the panel by audience member Amanda Brown. In the meantime, here are the fake bios:

Chris:

Former two-time world cage fighting champion, Chris Ewan, was born in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains, where local legend has it that he was hewn from the bare rock. Known for his distinctive muscular physique, and the curious way in which complete strangers at writing conferences feel compelled to buy him free drinks, he now divides his time between New York and France, where he writes a series of moderately successful thrillers under the pen name Lee Child.

Helen:

Being one of thirteen children, Helen FitzGerald was destined for a criminal life. Lacking supervision and self control, she was deported from the country her parents had adopted after she was found guilty of murdering the boyfriend who spilt coffee on her favourite shirt, staining it irretrievably. Finding herself in the mother country, she was immediately drawn into its dark underbelly, squatting in the basement of a London townhouse, and eventually fleeing police who suspected she had stabbed one of her many lovers for burning the toast. Hiding out in Glasgow, FitzGerald became acquainted with fellow felons who later welcomed her into C Hall with open arms and toothbrushes laden with melted razor blades. From her cell on the second floor, she now divides her time between writing autobiographical accounts of the men she has murdered and maimed and counting the days until her release.

Zoe:

Zoë Sharp was almost certainly born. Her mother was an itinerant fork-lift truck driver and her father played the bongos on the original Mission: Impossible theme. Abandoned as a child, she was raised by Wolves, but later supported Nottingham Forest and as a result now has no interest in football whatsoever. She wrote her first novel at the age of two-and-a-half, which was described by critics both as “a masterpiece in Marmite and crayon ” and “mercifully short”. She has been making very little sense ever since. She lives in a hollowed-out volcano at a secret location and is planning world domination as soon as she can find herself a fluffy white cat. (And the sad thing is, part of this is true…)

Steve:

Steve is the manifestation of everything that decent people revile. His date of birth is shrouded in mystery, possibly deliberately so, but he is certainly older than he looks. He has never achieved anything of note, and it is highly unlikely that he ever will, as he spends most of his time drinking, and annoying people on the internet. Bitter, malformed and vile - inside and out - Steve plots to take over the world in a variety of abhorrent ways, none of which has the slightest chance of reaching fruition. Basically an idiot.

Chris, Steve, Helen and Zoe - thank you so much for being such wonderful panellists and marvellous sports. Despite the fact that I hate doing panels and only do it because Adrian bullies me into it, I had good fun.

I went to several panels, discovered authors whose books I will definitely buy (plus a couple I won't!), learnt stuff (including a rather nifty bit of self-defence stuff from Zoe), and, most importantly was entertained and amused by the panels I went to.

Saturday evening was the maXcrime party followed by the gala dinner. Here I am with Maxim Jakubowski and fellow maXcrime author, Mike Hodges (who write and directed the brilliant original Get Carter - I was thrilled to meet him - what a treat).

My Mum is no longer speaking to me after the gala dinner when Peter Rozovsky leaned across and said "So, Donna, how did you get mugged three and a half times?"

My Mum bristled and said "You've been mugged three and a half times? How come I didn't know about this?"

Errrrrrrrr... I had to spend the rest of the weekend dodging barbed comments along the lines of "Apparently, there's a lot I don't know."

She also spent the whole evening trying to cover up my boobs, hoicking my dress up and repeating a selection of phrases - namely, "I've got a safety pin in my handbag somewhere", "You'd better cover those up or you'll get a nasty cold" and "I don't know which is more obvious - your bazooms or your shoes." (I was wearing these shoes).

It was a wonderful weekend. I love getting to see old friends and make new ones. The best bit about it is the hugs.

Back To Normality

A very brief post holiday catch up on some Scottish crime fiction news as I have a busy weekend ahead. Thanks to all who visited and commented on my Alaska blog. I had a wonderful time and have heard from quite a few of the students and teachers since. Some of the students have sent stories and poems, others have just written to say hello, which is lovely.

So, back to normality very briefly before I'm off to Crimefest in Bristol next week, where I'm moderating two panels - Grimly Fiendish on Friday at 11.20am with Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Steve Mosby and Zoe Sharp and Howling At The Moon (the Last Laugh Award Shortlist panel on Saturday at 4.10pm with Chris Ewan, Suzette Hill, Malcolm Pryce and Len Tyler. Chris is going to be so fed up of me by the end of the weekend.

On with the news - loads more to catch up on but this will have to do for now.

The Daily Record talks to Stuart MacBride about the real life inspiration for his new novel.

A ghostly photo signed by Arthur Conan Doyle is up for auction.

The Northeast Ledger on Denise Mina's STILL MIDNIGHT.

The Aberdeen Word Festival is underway. And here's the programme.

The Telegraph talks to Alexander McCall Smith about his inspirations. And here's an article on his charity work, and a report on the baboon opera.

Louise Welsh at the Stoke Newington Literary Festival.

The Swindon Advertiser attends an event with M C Beaton.

William McIlvanney wants a stiff chat with his character Laidlaw.

Charmers, Criminals and Naked Burglars

The charming Tony Black talks to the equally charming Paul Brazill.

Stuart MacBride spills the beans at Aberdeen's Lemon Tree Lounge on May 4th. And he gets the thumbs up from bloggers as Luke's Book Review enjoys FLESH HOUSE, as does Read By Karin.

Clea Simon at the Boston Globe reviews Denise Mina's STILL MIDNIGHT.

A new documentary and book about crime writer Anne Perry.

The always excellent Alistair Braidwood on Irvine Welsh's TRAINSPOTTING over at Dear Scotland. Next month, he looks a Louise Welsh's THE CUTTING ROOM. I very much look forward to that.

Talking of Louise Welsh, Three Monkeys Online is quietly impressed by NAMING THE BONES.

Whisky tasting with Iain Banks.

For the lovely Helen here's my probable list of reads for April (some of which may leak over into May):

Tim Weaver - CHASING THE DEAD (because I'm leading a book discussion on it).
Mark Timlin - GUNS OF BRIXTON (because it's out from maXcrime this month and I have really enjoyed the previous Timlins I've read).
And then, in preparation for my Crimefest panel in May - Zoe Sharp's KILLER INSTINCT (a re-read of the first in the series) and THIRD STRIKE (the most recent), Steve Mosby's STILL BLEEDING (a re-read of one of my favourite books of last year), Helen Fitzgerald's MY LAST CONFESSION and THE DEVIL'S STAIRCASE (I know both of those will be a treat), and Chris Ewan's THE GOOD THIEF'S GUIDE TO LAS VEGAS (due out later this month and I can't wait).

And, finally, my upstairs neighbour has done this, but, thankfully, always fully clothed.

That Friday Feeling

The Crimefest programme is up. Those who know me will know exactly why I gave the panels the names I did :o) The bad thing about organising the panels is that Adrian insists that I moderate one. The good thing is that I get to bully my friends onto being on it. This year my poor panellists are Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Steve Mosby and Zoe Sharp and I'm looking forward to interrogating them. I'm currently thinking up suitable homework for them. Crimefest is always really good fun and Adrian Muller and Myles Allfrey do an excellent job organising it. Hope to see some of you there.

Crime fiction tops most borrowed library books list, with both Ian Rankin and Alexander McCall Smith in the top 10.

Talking of Ian Rankin, one of his recent tweets intriguingly stated " I'm showing a scriptwriter around Edinburgh, in preparation for TV version of 'The Complaints'". Hmmmmmmm, looking forward to hearing more about that. And Ian reports that this event went well. I'm not really stalking you Ian, honestly.

Louise Welsh and Dan Rhodes on new novels, flatpack furniture and knob gags (Dad, that's jokes about door handles, by the way).

Scene of The Crime blog interviews Philip Kerr about his Berlin.

A slew of book reviews for the weekend. First of all, Fair Dinkum Reviews on my Dad's favourite, Caro Ramsay's SINGING TO THE DEAD. The Guardian reviews the audio version of Aly Monroe's Maze of Cadiz, Mystery Books News on Peter May's THE RUNNER, The Scotsman reviews Louise Welsh's NAMING THE BONES, the Star-Telegram enjoyed Ian Rankin's DOORS OPEN and Mysteries and Musings reviews M C Beaton's DEATH OF A VALENTINE. And there are no mormons in Stuart MacBride's BLOODSHOT apparently.

Alexander McCall Smith at the Dubai Festival of Literature. And here he is in an audio interview over at Spoken Word.

Poisoned Pen Press give Val McDermid a nice surprise. I love Val's comment in the last line.

More on the possible creation of a Scottish Academy of Literature.

And finally, anyone going to any of the Aye Write events? On Sunday, my mate Kieran and I are going to this and this.