"We want to tax kittens"

No post last week, since I spent the week on a training course called Creative Reading? Why Not! in Lublin, Poland, where I met a lovely group of people from all over Europe, learned to juggle, went out and about in the streets of Lublin asking complete strangers to swap something they owned for a banana and ate far too many dumplings. Lovely.

First of all, the lovely people at Saraband - a smashing independent publisher based in Scotland - sent me debut novel FALLING FAST by Neil Broadfoot, which is due out in May. FALLING FAST is a deliciously twisty thriller that never lets up the pace.Edinburgh journalist, Doug McGregor, is on the trail of a particularly nasty ex-con - a convicted rapist who has been exposed for who he is and forced to go on the run. Meanwhile Doug's pal - and fount of much useful information - DS Susie Drummond is dealing with the case of a politician's daughter who has, apparently, killed herself by jumping from the Scott Monument. Thrills, spills, chills and kills. Good stuff.

Now, on to the Scottish crime fiction round-up. I'm guessing we're going to get quite a few Independence or not posts in the run up to the Referendum in September, so here are a couple to be going on with. Firstly, Lin Anderson on why English readers don't need independence from Scottish writers.And, then there's the always funny Douglas Lindsay whose Dr Ian Shackleton - senior lecturer at the Glasgow School of Politics and Football - is blogging for the Herald. Do read his first column. It's totally brilliant, but be aware that it is Mr Lindsay and not me who is responsible for images left in your brain of a bare chested Putin-esque Nick Clegg or Alex Salmond "swinging butt-naked on a wrecking ball." Cheers for that, Douglas.

Several pieces of Sherlock Holmes news today. More about the Conan Doyle home being turned into a school, and the newly discovered (on April 1st) Sherlock Holmes story. Then there's the strange connection between germs and Sherlock Holmes, a new exhibition in Sidmouth, and a slew of amateur sleuths caused by Sherlock.

You know you've arrived when your portrait is in a gallery. Ian Rankin looks happier to be outside the portrait than he does in it. And, if that's supposed to be Val, I doubt she's going to be best chuffed.

If you're in New Zealand, you can win an evening with Alexander McCall Smith.

An interview with my son Chris Ewan (grandma is proud, young Christopher)  about his new thriller Dead Line.

Finally - man breaks into a business using a flower pot, cooks macaroni cheese and passes out.

Wilder, Wilder. Faster, Faster.

A lesser known Cramps song today. Incidentally, I teach a creative writing class and this week I did an exercise using songs. I started them off with some Flaming Stars (to lull them into a false sense of security) moved through Killing Joke, Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds, and The Clash and finished up with this one from The Cramps. I think they were a bit puzzled by The Cramps. It was great fun.

Len Wanner, author of an excellent book of interviews with Scottish crime fiction authors, will be interviewing Tony Black in person on Saturday 4th February in Dalkeith. Also on 4th February, Stuart MacBride will be at the University of Dundee. And you can go to the screening of Irvine Welsh's ECSTASY and the after-party on February 18th, if you are so inclined.

And a reminder of an event on Monday - Allan Guthrie at the University of Strathclyde. See you there if you're going.

Those lovely chaps at Blasted Heath would like to serve you some #broth.

Crime Fiction Lover on comedy and crime, and recommends Chris Ewan.

Helen Fitzgerald's yummy new book cover.

Nigel Bird is featured in the East Lothian Courier.

Val McDermid on method and madness.

Douglas Lindsay does not want to be an astronaut. Which is a relief, really.

A crime writing MA? I'd sign up, if only to be taught by the rather excellent Martyn Waites.

Finally, a man plans a murder, with the intention of pinning it on the cat.

From the ridiculous to the sublime

Ian Pattison, on how writing Rab C Nesbitt is more lucrative than crime fiction.

Why, Philip Kerr? Why? Well, there's one film I won't be going to see, anyway.

John Buchan's The 39 Steps a comedy thriller?

Louise Welsh in Iowa City on Sunday, Ian Rankin at the Aberfeldy Festival, Denise Mina in Berlin next February (sometimes I wish I was a famous writer rather than an obscure one). And Val McDermid and Alexander McCall Smith at the Dundee Literary Festival.

Lots of stuff about Alexander McCall Smith today.

Ewan McGregor on Irvine Welsh's TRAINSPOTTING.

Ken Hebenstreit pronounces Chris Ewan "not in the best of shape" but marvellous despite that.

Hmmmmmmm, I might have to subscribe to the Ayrshire Post so that I can get the new Tony Black early.

He's not Scottish, but here's a great interview with one of my favourite authors (and all round lovely man) Ken Bruen.

And, finally, the utterly brilliant (and totally bonkers) Douglas Lindsay on 'lugzhury'.

An Early Sunday Round-Up? Shock, horror

Birthday week finished with a flourish - gig tickets to see The Vaccines and comedian Sarah Millican (yippee!) as well as a complete Teach Yourself German course, some Killing Joke and crime novel A SINGLE SHOT by Matthew Jones, which has a blurb from the brilliant Daniel Woodrell, so I'm looking forward to it. Anyone read it?

And I've finished my first university assignment, thank goodness. If I never again see another article on The Big Society it will be too soon. I'm taking the rest of the day off and tonight we're off out to see Bombay Bicycle Club at the Glasgow Barrowlands.

This weekend's cinematic viewing was Korean film MOTHER and the new JANE EYRE remake. In MOTHER A young man with learning difficulties is arrested and imprisoned for the murder of a teenage girl. His doting mother sets out to prove his innocence. Tragedy, melodrama, black comedy, violence, poetry - this film has it all. Understated, surprisingly, and with gorgeous cinematography. A real gem. I'm not a huge fan of the Bronte sisters (they're all a bit lacking in humour and a bit too much brooding hand-wringing for me) but the latest remake of JANE EYRE is really enjoyable. I really enjoyed the way the story was told, and the settings are perfect. If I had one quibble, it's that Michael Fassbender is far, far, far too good looking to play Rochester and Mia Wasikowska is too pretty to play Jane (although I was less bothered by this as she looks appropriately severe, and the character's spirit really shines through).

And now, the Scottish crime fiction news and reviews.

The lovely Aly Monroe talks to Shots about how childhood memories influenced her new novel ICELIGHT.

Talking of lovely people - Chris Ewan is interviewed by Len Wanner over at The Crime Of It All..

Caro Ramsay went down well at Stirling's Off The Page book festival.

A review of NO REST FOR THE DEAD a group whodunnit in which several big names, including Alexander McCall Smith, wrote a chapter each, a review of Val McDermid's TRICK OF THE DARK, And one of Kate Atkinson's STARTED EARLY, TOOK MY DOG.

More on Val McDermid, here's a great podcast interview with her.

A day in the life of an independent bookstore.

Birthday Crime Fiction

Apologies for the delay in updating the blog. I was at a conference this weekend for the helpline organisation I volunteer for (inspiring, interesting and bloody good fun), I also have an essay to write on The Big Society. I'm taking the evening off and eating ice cream, since it's my birthday. So, here we go with the latest from the world of Scottish crime fiction.

Talking of the Big Society, here's Alexander McCall Smith on mending broken societies. But first of all, he needs to fix his house. And then he can head off to Indonesia. Finally, a review of THE FORGOTTEN AFFAIRS OF YOUTH. Does the man ever sleep?

Novel Insights discovers Val McDermid, and Mostly Fiction reviews TRICK OF THE DARK. The Irish Independent asks Val some great questions, and Val gives some great answers.

The lost novel of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Ray Yanek discovers Chris Ewan at Bouchercon.

Irvine Welsh is adapting a documentary about bare-knuckle bxing into a drama series for HBO.

Cleveland.com loves Denise Mina's THE END OF THE WASP SEASON.

Ian Rankin has recorded an audio guide for a mining museum. And he's reviewing restaurants. But it seems as though he hasn't finished writing books yet.

Finally, Glasgow gang crime has reduced due to an interesting idea. Or maybe the gangs are all raiding sheds.

A veritable plethora

The Drowning Machine with an excellent review of Allan Guthrie's TWO-WAY SPLIT. And Allan Guthrie interviews Nigel Bird over at Criminal-E.

Peter Rozovsky on comic crime fiction and why Chris Ewan's humour works.

Lots of crime fiction appearances coming up. First of all, Russel McLean is at Blackwell's in Edinburgh tonight, Ian Rankin is appearing at the Morley Literature Festival on October 13th, and Val McDermid will be at the Ilkley Literature Festival on October 2nd. Before that, Val's at Waterstone's Deansgate, Manchester on September 12th. And remember, if you're in Edinburgh tomorrow, you can take part in a world record attempt.

Savidge Reads reviews Val McDermid's TRICK OF THE DARK, The List on Gordon Ferris' THE HANGING SHED, a review of Nicola Upson's Josephine Tey mystery, AN EXPERT IN MURDER, a reviewlet of Ray Banks' most excellent BEAST OF BURDEN, Criminal Element enjoys Catriona McPherson's DANDY GILVER AND THE PROPER TREATMENT OF BLOODSTAINS, and Murder By The Book looks at Chris Ewan's THE GOOD THIEF'S GUIDE TO PARIS.

A review of the stage version of Alexander McCall Smith's THE WORLD ACCORDING TO BERTIE and the print version of 44 SCOTLAND STREET: BERTIE PLAYS THE BLUES. And if you want to see where the 44 Scotland Street novels are set, you can do that very thing here. Finally, on the AMS front, you can listen to him being interviewed on Real Radio at the EBF.

An interesting interview with Gavin Knight about HOOD RAT covering crime fiction (I don't agree with all the points, needless to say), true crime, and feeling out of his depth in Glasgow.

A couple of reviews of the William McIlvanney event at the Edinburgh Book Festival where he takes a swipe at London publishers.

In another book festival event review - the careful Lin Anderson and the louche Tony Black. He is rather rakish.

And, finally, Scottish cow in freak ladder accident.

I have a headache...

...and cannot think of a suitable title for this post, so here is the Scottish crime fiction news.

A sucker punch from Philip Kerr, apparently.

Nigel Bird reviews Douglas Lindsay's THE LONG MIDNIGHT OF BARNEY THOMPSON. Brilliant stuff, and I am thrilled to be mentioned in the same breath. My regular reader (hello Dad!) will know I am a big fan of Douglas Lindsay. And Nigel has been very busy. In Dancing With Myself Scottish crime fiction fan Fiona Johnson interviews herself. As does Doug Johnstone.

Talking of Doug Johnstone, here's another interview with him over at Len Wanner's excellent The Crime of It All. And you can catch him at various events over the next few months. Personally, I'm hoping to get to the Literary Death Match. It's a couple of days before we head off to Berlin, so hopefully I'll make it. I'm not quite sure how it works, despite this helpful article, but I'm sure it will be fun. Which makes me wonder who, dear reader, would you like to see in a Literary Death Match?

A great interview with the multi-talented Ray Banks over at Vince Keenan's blog (and goodness me, thank you, Ray!).

Chris Ewan is having a lovely time on his US grand tour.

A review of the theatrical adaptation of Alexander McCall Smith's THE WORLD ACCORDING TO BERTIE.

The Scotsman reviews Lin Anderson's PICTURE HER DEAD.

Like whisky? Like Ian Rankin's Rebus? Got a spare £1000? Just think how many bottles of Buckie you could buy with that.

Irvine Welsh on the cast of FILTH. And he returns home to Leith to support young talent.

Chris Brookmyre on the shortening of his name.

Finally, a look at Raymond Chandler's dislike for the genteel British amateur detective.

Just call me Fatty Acids for short

Apologies for the less than regular postings over the last few days. I'm back down at my Mum and Dad's at the moment. It's my Mum's 80th birthday this week, so I have come down to celebrate.

Today, we went to the bingo. Sadly, I didn't make out like a bandit this time. However, I did win a jar of Tesco Value Lemon Curd. That's saved me a whole 22p off my next week's shopping. Well, it would have done if I actually ate lemon curd. Somebody else won the packet of Strawberry Whip. I was gutted. That had my name written all over it (assuming I changed my name to Maltodextrin, Modified Potato Starch, Emulsifiers (Propane-1,2-diol Esters of Fatty Acids, Sunflower Lecithins) , Gelling Agents (Tetrasodium Diphosphate, Disodium Phosphate) which, by the way, I was totally prepared to do.

Anyway, on to the news.

Gillian Galbraith and Shirley McKay at the Inverness Book Festival on Thursday,

A great review of Chris Ewan's THE GOOD THIEF'S GUIDE TO VENICE, and the Deseret News calls it 'fun and entrancing'. Finally, an interview with the man himself over at Novel Rocket,

Ian Rankin is supporting the StreetSmart campaign, to help homelessness projects.

Breathing Fiction puts the spotlight on Denise Mina. And an article in the Daily Record on Gordon Ferris.

A review of Nicola Upson's third Josephine Tey novel, TWO FOR SORROW, one of Alexander McCall Smith's THE LOST ART OF GRATITUDE and a review for THE DOG WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD.

Lots of Irvine Welsh news: first a trailer for ECSTACY, an interview with Irvine Welsh about the film, and news on FILTH.

Caro Ramsay talks about Jack The Ripper, The Musical, amongst other things.

If you want to help set a world record, and you can be in Edinburgh on August 19th, here's your opportunity.

A post with added itch

This weekend's cinematic viewing: A BITTERSWEET LIFE is a South Korean film set in the Korean underworld in which Sun Woo - a smart, young mob guy - is given the task of checking up on his boss' young girlfriend while the boss is out of town. A really good start - what happens when Sun Woo decides to act morally in an immoral world - but then he turns into some unbelievable Duracell bunny. He's a one man army wearing a cloak of invincibility. Next up was ANIMAL KINGDOM, an Australian crime film (apparently based on a true story). When 17 year old Josh's mother dies of a heroin overdose he turns to his estranged grandmother for help. She takes him in, and he discovers that she might be his gran, but she's no sweet little old lady - instead, she's the matriarch of a violent criminal family, and she's not really bothered when Josh's uncles get him involved. Tense, chilling, and nicely low key. Finally, and most impressively, BALLAST. Set in a depressed part of the Mississippi Delta, Ballast focuses on three marginalised characters - a man whose twin brother has killed himself just before the film starts; the dead man's 12 year old son, who hasn't seen his father for years, and is heading in a dangerous direction; and the boy's mother, who is barely managing to make ends meet. Not much happens and it's shot in a documentary style, but it's a totally gripping film. Completely understated, subtle and nuanced.

In other weekend news - we booked tickets to see Killing Joke in Glasgow next March (yippee!), and I have 27 midge bites (which, given that these are Scottish midges, and the bites have a propensity to evil swelling), means that I am now just one big midge-y bite and I'm trying to restrain myself from clawing myself to death. I even used Avon's Skin-So-Soft before we went out, but the little buggers seem to love it. Either that or I taste so good that they are prepared to risk it. Yes, that's it - I am good meat.

An interview with the lovely Chris Ewan, in which he shares some wonderful and well-deserved news.

Over at the excellent Guilty Conscience blog, Luca Veste has been busy with Scottish crime writers. First of all, an interview with the lovely Chris Ewan, in which he shares some wonderful and well-deserved news, and, just for good measure, a review of Chris' THE GOOD THIEF'S GUIDE TO AMSTERDAM (and yes, for those of you who were wondering, the Isle of Man is a satellite state of Scotland). an interview with Helen Fitzgerald. And a review of her new book THE DONOR.

Talking of Helen Fitzgerald, please don't go and see her stand-up comedy routine.

Tony Black's TRUTH LIES BLEEDING is out in paperback on August 3rd. Here's Tony reading an excerpt.

The Guardian, with an article on Josephine Tey.

Fancy a role in the Edinburgh Fringe production of Alexander McCall Smith's THE WORLD ACCORDING TO BERTIE? Hmmmmm, think I might go for this myself. Are you calm? Yes, yes I am. Enthusiastic? Oh, very. Have a very waggy tail? Ummmmm, no. Is that vital? Are you a Border Collie? Well, no, actually. I'm more like a very out-of-shape St Bernard who's been at the brandy in her little barrel.

Happy one-month birthday to Allan Guthrie's TWO-WAY SPLIT, in which the very accommodating Mr Guthrie does my job and rounds up all the Allan Guthrie news that's fit to print.

John Dingwall interviews M C Beaton.

The Telegraph tells us that, in a menacing world, we flee into thrillers. Condescending, much?

News, Reviews and Interviews

The My Life In Books event at the wonderful Glasgow Women's Library last night seemed to go well. We had a nice turnout and Karen Campbell and Caro Ramsay were a joy to interview. They talked about books that had influenced them throughout their lives (turns out that between us we had a shared history of Enid Blyton (although I was the only one of us who'd ever got into trouble because of The Famous Five), Black Beauty, Just William and the Jennings series of books. They also talked about their own writing. Karen read from a very atmospheric piece from her most recent book PROOF OF LIFE and Caro read the chilling prologue of her forthcoming book, due out in January. I had a good time, despite my nerves prior to the event.

Talking of JUST WILLIAM, serendipitously, Kate Atkinson chooses it for her top 10.

Jake Kerridge does a much better round-up of Harrogate than I did but then, he gets paid for it.

A review of Allan Guthrie's SLAMMER and an interview with the man himself over at The Crime Of It All, where there is also a review of Alice Thompson's THE EXISTENTIAL DETECTIVE.

Ian Rankin and others campaign to save Radio 4's short story content. Talking of Ian Rankin, here's a reminder about the charity event in aid of the Royal Blind.

Fancy a mystery tour of England and Scotland? Want to meet crime writers? Have a spare $6,000? Then this could be the trip for you. While you're in Edinburgh, you could go on this TRAINSPOTTING tour. Let's hope the "worst toilet" isn't too realistic.

Reader Dad reviews Ray Banks' small but perfectly formed novella GUN. And Paul Brazill interviews Ray here.

The Globe And Mail on Alexander McCall Smith's THE DOG WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD, and Bookbag reviews Gordon Ferris' THE HANGING SHED.

Chris Ewan is appearing at a bookstore near you (if you live in Thousand Oaks) on August 6th. If you are near, go and see him, he's very entertaining and a top bloke.

The Sunday Round-Up on a Sunday? How novel.

First of all, this weekend's film viewing. We saw THE FIGHTER with the always excellent Christian Bale. Really good film. Then it was a film that was so horrible that I don't even want to mention its name. I didn't watch most of it. Instead, at one point, I rushed out of the room saying "I can't watch this" and went and lay down on the bed and had a good cry. Silly cow, but it was truly horrible. After that, I needed a cinematic scouring brush to scrub my brain clean of that one, so we saw the quirky and touching GET LOW with Robert Duvall and Bill Murray.

I also spent some very pleasant kindle time with the lovely boys and girls from Radgepacket. I read volumes 1 and 2 while travelling on trains over the weekend and most excellent they were too. Reviews to follow. In the meantime, they are both over at Amazon for less than a quid.

And now, on to the Scottish crime fiction news.

The Mutant Bookshelf reviews Philip Kerr's FIELD GREY. And a review of the audio version of Charles Cumming's THE TRINITY SIX .

Congratulations to Alex Gray on her new book deal, and to Doctor Val McDermid.

Chris Ewan's audiobook narrator talks about the Good Thief series.

An interview with Jason Isaacs about his role as Kate Atkinson's Jackson Brodie.

Finally, a plea - if anyone has any suggestions for either writing exercises or groupwork exercises for both teenagers (from age 15-ish) and adults, please e-mail me! I'm looking for things which are fun and interesting and not too heavy.

Pre-Weekend Peregrinations

An excellent article on Scottish actor Martin Compston (who I would love to have play Duncan or Raymie from OLD DOGS), who's going to be in Irvine Welsh's FILTH which is being filmed in October.

A review of Charles Cumming's TYPHOON, the Morning Star with a reviewlet of Denise Mina's THE END OF THE WASP SEASON, a review of Alexander McCall Smith's CORDUROY MANSIONS, The Guardian enjoyed Christopher Brookmyre's WHERE THE BODIES ARE BURIED, and reviewingtheevidence on Quintin Jardine's GRIEVOUS ANGEL.

Talking of Quintin Jardine, he was able to scatter his uncle, thanks to Kinky Friedman.

Two radio plays from the BBC Radio Crimes series have been released on CD - David Ashton's SERVANT OF THE CROWN and THE PICTURE OF INNOCENCE, and Val McDermid's CLEAN BREAK.

Alexander McCall Smith on Edinburgh's nightmare tram situation (warning - the audio starts automatically).

See Chris Ewan in Salt Lake City on August 13th.

The Washington Independent Review of Books has an audio interview with Kate Atkinson.

A short story by Campbell Armstrong (aka Campbell Black).

Think of me this weekend. I'm babysitting ten 13-year olds. At a pyjama party.

An Opulence of Opportunities

A My Life In Books: Crime Fiction Special at the wonderful Glasgow Women's Library from 6 until 7.30pm on Tuesday 26th July. Your humble blogger will be asking Helen Fitzgerald and Karen Campbell about the influence books have had throughout their lives.

Further away (in all senses) Chris Ewan and Anne Zourodi are appearing at Murder By The Book in Houston on Monday 19th September. Do, however, note that it's not our Chris Ewan playing the drums in the video below the article! It reminds me of the time when Dexys Midnight Runners were on Top of The Pops singing Jackie Wilson Said (about soul singer Jackie Wilson) and the picture that was shown in the background was of darts player Jocky Wilson.

Whilst the Reading Festival of Crime Fiction doesn't yet have the programme up on the website, the events (or some of them) can be seen here.

This looks brilliant - Noir Nation: International Journal of Crime Fiction. You can become a supporter here. The first issue is due to be launched in September. They are also looking for submissions (short stories, graphic crime stories and non-fiction pieces) and they pay $100 per piece! I'm looking forward to reading the first issue and seeing what else they come up with.

A review of Helen Fitzgerald's THE DONOR. And here's Helen with advice on what not to read in prison.

Did Sir Arthur Conan Doyle steal the plot for THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES.

An interview with Alexander McCall Smith at CBS News' Author Talk.

Publishers Weekly on Nicola Upson's Josephine Tey mystery TWO FOR SORROW.

And, finally, Val McDermid, Stuart MacBride and other crime writers buy a morgue. And anyone can donate. By donating, you get to vote for your favourite participating crime writer and they get...errrrr...they get a morgue named after them.

Wednesday Allsorts

Chris Ewan guest blogs over at Martin Edwards' place. And here, Martin talks about Paul Johnston. Lovely man that Martin Edwards (as well as being supremely knowledgeable about crime fiction).

Fifty Edinburgh Book Festival short stories. (Most of them are from last year's festival). Stories by Scottish crime fiction authors are from Gillian Philip, Karen Campbell, Denise Mina, Doug Johnstone, Louise Welsh,

A review of Craig Robertson's SNAPSHOT at Eurocrime.

If you're near Middlesbrough tomorrow, why not spend An Evening With Val McDermid? Or, if you're in Aberdeen on Sunday, you can see Stuart MacBride tossing a caber. Or talking about books. I'm not quite sure which. A bit further in advance, how about Christopher Brookmyre in North Berwick on August 9th?

The Telegraph offers audio chapters of Alexander McCall Smith's A CONSPIRACY OF FRIENDS read by Andrew Sachs.

BookDagger has an interview with Quintin Jardine.

The Warm Glow of CrimeFest

Back from CrimeFest. Apologies for not blogging but things were just too hectic. Besides, internet access in the hotel cost something like £3000 per night (just slightly cheaper than a Southern Comfort and lemonade at the bar).

It was a brilliant weekend. Lots of old friends hugged, lots of new friends made (and some of those were hugged), the panels I went to were excellent (I shall write reports up of some of them over the next few days), the panels I moderated went well - I think - thanks to my lovely panelists. And I didn't vomit all over them, so that was a bonus. More of those panels later in this post.

The best part of the weekend is getting to spend time with people I really don't spend enough time with and laughing a lot. Some of those moments could not possibly be reported here.

My Mum and Dad made went too, and that was lovely. I took them out to dinner on the Thursday and after that my Mum and I went to the ballet. When we came back to the hotel we discovered my Dad in the bar. I was greeted with "Oh, Donna, we've been hearing all about you from your Dad." Oh. Shite. That phrase followed me all weekend. And each time, it worried me more. My Mum and Dad had a great time, as always. Everyone was lovely to them, and my Mum got to chat to some actor from Heartbeat, spend a weekend saying "Eee, our Donna, where on earth did you get those bloody shoes?" and buy a monkey for her 'grandson' Chris Ewan. As an aside, at the Gala Dinner, when neither Chris nor I won the Last Laugh Award (it was won by the charming Len Tyler who will no longer be able to remove his lucky tie) this conversation ensued between Mum and me.

"So you and Chris didn't win, then?"
"No, Mum."
"That's a shame."
"Thanks, Mum, but it's OK - I didn't expect to win."
"I didn't mean YOU, our Donna. I wanted Chris to win."
"Thanks Mum."

On to panel reports.

On Friday I was moderating two panels.

The first was I Was A Male Warbride: Confessions of a Crime Fiction Author - with Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Douglas Lindsay and Steve Mosby. They were brilliant - interesting, funny, and they submitted to my terrible questions with panache and aplomb. As well as asking them questions about their books, I interspersed these with confession-type questions - whether they had ever done anything illegal, most embarrassing moment etc. I wish I'd been in the audience, rather than actually asking the questions, because I would love to report on their great responses. They all submitted gracefully to having to do homework in advance. I asked them to read out their worst ever review, and also to write the beginning of a story with an animal protagonist.

Here are the stories

Douglas Lindsay's story is here: http://www.barney-thomson.com/blog.asp?blogid=4876

Helen Fitzgerald's story:

Her husband hanged me from the Rowan tree. Said she needed to let go of her attachment to me. “You can’t replace the real world with that fucking bunny,” he said. At ten o’clock tonight, he found me in her secret place, took me out into the garden, looped a string around my neck, and hanged me while she banged on the window of her locked bedroom. It’s after eleven now and she can still see me. She’s stopped screaming, but she’s crying, hands touching glass as she watches me go. I’m not dead yet and she knows it. She can see my ears quivering, less and less rampant as the insides of me flatten. "I’m going now," I say with barely moving ears.

Her husband has unlocked the door. "Come on," he orders, "come to bed." He has no settings, this murderer, no buzz no matter where or how hard she she presses.

She kisses her fingertips and touches the glass. "Arriverderci my rabbit," she says. "my every time dead cert. I must go and endure the real world."

Chris Ewan's story:

A Fly Vendetta Thriller

I was a fly in a glass. There was water inside the glass. There was a throwaway coaster on the end of it. The water was sloshing around. I was sloshing with it. This was on account of the movie that had been playing on a TV over the bar. Not a bad movie. Except for one scene. A scene where some guy drowned a fly in water and then brought it back to life with a sprinkling of salt. Now every chump in the bar wanted to drown a fly. Every guy wanted to produce a little magic with some salt. And I happened to get the goof who was just a bit dumber than most. He gave me a real good shake. A real thorough drenching. Like I was in a washing machine. Like I was in a toilet flush. Then he dumped me on a napkin and tipped half a pound of salt over me. I wasn’t crazy about this guy. I was buzzing mad. First thing I did when I came round was I gave him the finger. Flies can do that. Maybe you didn’t know. Truth is, flies can do a lot of things. They can mess with you in all kinds of ways. I was going to mess with this guy. And no amount of salt was going to help him.

Steve Mosby's story:

Action thriller with STIs

As Corporal Green discharged his final rounds at the army of antibiotics advancing on his position, he glanced down at his fallen comrades and was finally forced to accept the harshness of his predicament. I'm a goner, he told himself. I'm a goner 'ere.

Brilliant stuff.

My second panel was Monkey Business: The Last Laugh shortlist panel. Panellists were Colin Bateman, Colin Cotterill, Chris Ewan and L C Tyler. Again, they were excellent and great fun. Again, they were gracious enough to submit to homework. This time, a fascinating fact and an alternative bio.

Fascinating Facts

Chris - I once worked as a chemical cleaner in a meat factory. After that, I worked in a factory making Glade Plug-it-in, Plug-it-ins. Neither job was as glamorous as it sounds, although they both paid better than being a crime writer.

Colin C - I was kicked out of the recovery ward after my circumcision after the nuns discovered I'd drawn cartoons of them on the wall behind the curtain.

Len - I once had a very long conversation with the King of Norway about Newcastle United.

Colin B - I am personally responsible for the Nolan Sisters reforming.

Alternative Bios

Chris Ewan had the idea for the Millennium Trilogy several years before Stieg Larsson began writing the series, but he’s never claimed any royalties because he’s such a nice guy. But he’s no pushover, either, and if Stephenie Meyer doesn’t pay up soon, his legal team are going to tear her a new one. Born and raised in Professor Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, he currently lives in your home, in the small back bedroom you rarely go into. He generally keeps himself to himself, but sometimes he likes to watch you sleep. He never touches you, though. He leaves that to the guy who lives in your attic.

Colin B - I once sat on a wall beside Matt Damon; Matt Damon failed to recognise me. I'm the only man in history to have been sued for libel by the Boys Brigade. Things have been much better since I got out of prison. (NB - most of Colin's is actually true).

Many authors write under a pen-name and live their life under their real name. Len Tyler writes under his real name and does his day jobs under a variety of aliases. Those familiar with Len's film work, for example, will know him as Daniel Craig. As Jenson Button he regularly drives for Maclaren. Finally, if you were watching a certain wedding at the end of last month, you will probably have caught a glimpse of Len in his latest day-job as Leghumper the Royal corgi.

Colin Cotterill, after years of dreaming of becoming a woman, was rejected by the surgical assessment team for being 'too manly'. He used the operation money instead to bribe a publisher into printing his first book. He then bribed a few hundred people into buying them and has been pumping money into the readership pool ever since. Asked if he has no shame he replied, 'no'.

I'll post more reports over the next few days.

In the meantime - thanks to friends old and new for making it such a great weekend. Too many names to mention, but you know who you are. I really had a brilliant time and am still basking in the warm glow of happiness. Crime fiction fans and writers are just the nicest people. And big congratulations to Adrian and Myles for putting on such an excellent convention.

All news is good news

For those of you who followed my Alaskan Misadventures blog while I was there, you may be interested in Alaska Dreams Travel Far. A film crew is following the students of Stony River's Gusty Michael School, which I visited last year, as they prepare for a once in a lifetime trip to California. I am so thrilled for them all. They are very special people and I miss them every day.

Errrrrrrrr...Crimefest shortlists have been announced. Congratulations to all the nominees. I am so chuffed to be in such brilliant company.

Paul Brazill conducts a short, sharp interview with Ray Banks.

Chris Ewan talks about his TV deal.

Irvine Welsh talks about ECSTACY.

Stuart MacBride talks to the Vancouver Sun.

Christopher Brookmyre is appearing at the Reading Festival of Crime Writing in September.

The LA Times reviews Philip Kerr's FIELD GRAY.

Shadow and Act wants to bring back the TV version of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency.

Aly Monroe with a wonderful blog post, as ever.

A Comma Would Definitely Help

Ian Rankin votes Green and receives underwear from Pythons.

Lots about the TV version of Denise Mina's FIELD OF BLOOD, including a couple of video interviews with Mina. Also a piece on her new book THE END OF THE WASP SEASON.

A review of Stuart MacBride's DYING LIGHT.

Chris Ewan launches THE GOOD THIEF'S GUIDE TO VENICE.

A fact meets fiction crime story set in Glasgow, Manchester and London.

Doug Johnstone - crime writer, musician, man of many talents - has a new EP out.

And, finally, I love this - facebook responses to spelling mistakes.

Just Another Manic Monday

This weekend's film viewing - Michael Haneke's FUNNY GAMES. Brrrr. Creepy. And great fun. Haneke is definitely playing games here and it made me want to lock the door and take a long bath and scrub my skin off.

The Guardian enjoyed Chris Ewan's THE GOOD THIEF'S GUIDE TO VENICE. And Chris has some excellent news re a TV deal for the Good Thief series. Wonderful.

The Washington Post reviews Philip Kerr's FIELD GRAY, as does the New York Times. I Meant To Read That loves Stuart MacBride's BLIND EYE, The Trib Live reviews Charles Cumming's THE TRINITY SIX.

JSOnline interviews Ian Rankin. And a great interview with Barry Graham over at Allan Guthrie's Criminal-E.

The National Post finds Alexander McCall Smith pert and punchy. A review of his opera in The Scotsman. And he's interviewed in The Guardian.

A thoughtful piece in the Guardian by Sara Sheridan on how genre and literary writers should just try to get along.

A rather excellent video for Helen Fitzgerald's LETZTE BEICHTE (MY LAST CONFESSION to you and me).

Bad News, Good News, More Good News

Bad news and good news from Crimefest. The bad news is that Don Winslow has had to withdraw which is a real shame. The good news is that the excellent and very funny Christopher Brookmyre will be taking his place as Toastmaster. Having seen him in action a few times, I know he will be both funny and interesting, so I'm looking forward to that. I can't believe it's only a month away. I've already set my panelists their homework (I'm seriously worried, based on a recent tweet by the lovely Steve Mosby), but I need to prepare my questions and re-read some of their books. I am moderating two panels. Both on Friday (so at least I get the nervous torment over early) I WAS A MALE WARBRIDE - CONFESSIONS OF A CRIME FICTION AUTHOR, with Chris Ewan, Helen Fitzgerald, Douglas Lindsay and Steve Mosby; and MONKEY BUSINESS - WHEN MISCHIEVOUS CROSSES OVER INTO DECEITFUL BEHAVIOUR, with Colin Bateman, Colin Cotterill, Chris Ewan and L C Tyler.

The BBC's response to the genre fiction debate.

If you're in the Isle of Man next Wednesday, go and help Chris Ewan launch his new book THE GOOD THIEF'S GUIDE TO VENICE. I've just got a copy of it and am well chuffed as it's one of my favourite series.

Alexander McCall Smith's opera, a report on a recent event in New Jersey, and a review of THE DOUBLE COMFORT SAFARI CLUB.

Philip Kerr discusses his protagonist with Boston.com.

And, finally, not Scottish, but excellent news, the lovely people at Hard Case Crime are bringing out a never-before-published novel by the late, great Donald Westlake.

Have a lovely Easter, Dear Reader.

Post-Berlin Catch Up

Hello, Dear Reader. Berlin was wonderful. We did loads of walking, eating, sightseeing. The Kills were great live, we went to a comedy club where we discovered the differences between the British and German sense of humour and I discovered Bratkartoffel. I didn't get to drive a tank as we ran out of days, and when we got to the Erotic Museum it was shut (I think the batteries had died). I may do a longer post about it at some point, just so I can bore you with my holiday snaps.

But for now, back to Scottish crime fiction.

Paul Brazill interviews Russel McLean.

And if you're in Dundee on Thursday, why not give yourself a wee treat and go and see Tony Black and Ray Banks. I believe they'll be naked-custard-wrestling.

Seattle Pi reviews Alexander McCall Smith's THE DOUBLE COMFORT SAFARI CLUB. And here's an audio interview with him.

The Chronicle Herald reviews Kate Atkinson's STARTED EARLY, TOOK MY DOG.

My adopted son, Chris Ewan, with a little video on lock picking. Me and his granny are so proud of our wee boy. He used to practise on the neighbour's shed. Oh, by the way, does anyone want to buy a lawnmower and a pair of secateurs? Incidentally, what Chris fails to mention is that I can use a shim with great aplomb.

Ian Rankin loves the Rolling Stones.

And, finally, any crime writers fancy buying a mortuary?