"Wig hat jack knife, Out on bail for life"

Happy International Women's Day with The Cramps' DAMES, BOOZE, CHAINS AND BOOTS.

Nice prizes for the Bloody Scotland short story competition, and Scottish crime fiction authors provide some short story advice.

Crime Fiction Lover reviews Doug Johnstone's HIT AND RUN, Tricky Nag reviews several Alexander McCall Smiths, while Cozy Library reviews just the one. And a review of Josephine Tey's THE FRANCHISE AFFAIR.

Is the Edinburgh Guide calling Ian Rankin a twit? See Ian in Lochgelly on May 30th. And Mysteries in Paradise reviews the audio version of WITCH HUNT.

Val McDermid on the intellectual property issue, and the value of publishers. And a review of Val's stage play.

And, talking of stage plays, Ian Pattison has written a play about my least favourite politician (and there are plenty of candidates to choose from).

See youse after the weekend. Busy weekend (did I mention I'm in a play, gawd help us?) and then it's off to see the brilliant Killing Joke on Monday.

Bikini Girls With Machine Guns

Sorry - no bikini girls or machine guns in this post - just another Cramps song title. Having said that, fans of bikini girls and/or machine guns should probably click on that link. Dad - that doesn't mean you. Here's a clip of Gardener's World for you.

More news on Scottish publisher Blasted Heath, with an interview with co-founder Kyle MacRae. And my annoying little brother Damien Seaman reads from his new book THE KILLING OF EMMA GROSS, which is published on 1st December. It's a great historical police procedural which fuses fact and fiction. It has as its backdrop the real life murders carried out by Düsseldorf serial killer Peter Kürten in the late 1920s (and every appearance of Kürten on the page sent a shiver down my spine), but it's about so much more than that and the fictional element is wonderful and full of heart. I loved it. And Heathen Ray Banks' BEAST OF BURDEN is reviewed by the perspicacious Alan Cranis at Bookgasm.

Sarah at Crimepieces (not Norm at Crimescraps!) with a very thoughtful review of Val McDermid's THE RETRIBUTION.

An interview with Ian Pattison. And the NZ Herald interviews Ian Rankin.

Joe Barone reviews M C Beaton's AS THE PIG TURNS, and Cyprus Life reviews AGATHA RAISIN AND THE TERRIBLE TOURIST.

Malcolm Redfellow on Philip Kerr.

More about the Anthony Horowitz Sherlock Holmes novel.

Off to see The Vaccines and The Arctic Monkeys tonight, then another day at university tomorrow. Anybody would think I was 18...well, until they saw me. 18 stone, maybe...

From the ridiculous to the sublime

Ian Pattison, on how writing Rab C Nesbitt is more lucrative than crime fiction.

Why, Philip Kerr? Why? Well, there's one film I won't be going to see, anyway.

John Buchan's The 39 Steps a comedy thriller?

Louise Welsh in Iowa City on Sunday, Ian Rankin at the Aberfeldy Festival, Denise Mina in Berlin next February (sometimes I wish I was a famous writer rather than an obscure one). And Val McDermid and Alexander McCall Smith at the Dundee Literary Festival.

Lots of stuff about Alexander McCall Smith today.

Ewan McGregor on Irvine Welsh's TRAINSPOTTING.

Ken Hebenstreit pronounces Chris Ewan "not in the best of shape" but marvellous despite that.

Hmmmmmmm, I might have to subscribe to the Ayrshire Post so that I can get the new Tony Black early.

He's not Scottish, but here's a great interview with one of my favourite authors (and all round lovely man) Ken Bruen.

And, finally, the utterly brilliant (and totally bonkers) Douglas Lindsay on 'lugzhury'.

Crime Writers Out And About

A quick update on Scottish crime fiction news before I head off to Crimefest. Hopefully I will blog from there.

Craig Russell takes viewers behind the scenes of BROTHERS GRIMM.

Karen Campbell impressed at Balloch Library. I'm really looking forward to her new one - SHADOWPLAY.

Alex Gray will be in Aberdeen on Wednesday, to discuss her new book FIVE WAYS TO KILL A MAN. And, also in Aberdeen, as part of the Word Festival, are Denise Mina and Philip Kerr.

Ian Pattison creates a stageplay about death.

Barry Forshaw at The Independent reviews Stuart MacBride's DARK BLOOD.

Val McDermid talks Agatha Christie at Hay.

And, finally, the Herald reports that Scottish publishers may go the way of the dodo.

It's All Alexander, Except For The Bits That Are Ian

Loads and loads about Alexander McCall Smith and Ian Rankin today.

The Independent with a brief review of Alexander McCall Smith's TEA TIME FOR THE TRADITIONALLY BUILT, while the author himself "defends his upbeat view of Africa". And more here on his appearance at the Jaipur Literature Festival. And the Indian Express on the Number 1 Ladies Man.

From the same publication, an article on the 'lumbering presence' that is Ian Rankin. And an interview with Ian Rankin himself from his Lit Sutra tour, and the Times of India on the man who had "no interest in crime fiction". And he will be one of the stars at Barcelona's Semana de Novela Negra festival. At least, I think that's what it says. Meanwhile, the Review Broads give a thumbs up to DOORS OPEN, as does Marilyn Stasio in the New York Times.

Closer to home, you can see Louise Welsh in Pitlochry on 5th February and at the University of Strathclyde on February 11th. And if you're in London on March 12th, how about going to see Ray Banks, Cathi Unsworth, Toby Litt and Courttia Newland for "a night of crime fiction, comic art, and music of a darker hue."

Allan Guthrie, with his agent hat on, has been very busy recently. First of all he gets Doug Johnstone a two book deal with Faber. The first one is called SMOKEHEADS - described as 'Sideways meets Shallow Grave with a hint of The Wicker Man'. Nice. I'm really looking forward to that - I read Johnstone's THE OSSIANS recently and found it most excellent. Then he and Christa Faust do a deal with Hard Case for the next Angel Dare book. And Christa gets a new tattoo to celebrate. Christa is my heroine (but don't worry Mum, I celebrated my deals by bursting into tears and having a nice cup of tea). And thirdly, Al signs up the funny and charming Helen Fitzgerald as a client. Congratulations to all.

And, talking of Helen Fitzgerald, here's an excellent podcast interview with her, where she admits to googling herself (hi Helen!).

Tony Black talks to the Aberdeen Press & Journal about loss and LOSS.

Ian Pattison says he is nothing like Rab C Nesbitt. Before he sobered up, Rab C's favourite drink was Buckfast, so thanks to my friend Yvonne for pointing me in the direction of this article from the New York Times, about Scotland's Buckfast Triangle. I particularly liked this quote:
'Mr. Miller was hard-pressed to articulate what he likes about Buckfast. “You get used to it,” he said.' Yes indeed. It takes a little getting used to, since it tastes like a mixture of cough syrup, petrol, half a ton of sugar, and a soupcon of warm sweat. And the only reason you do get used to it is because each sip destroys a handful of brain cells.

Crime Fiction Has Made Me A Horrible Person

I fear that reading crime fiction has made me callous.

A couple of years ago, I was once brought to a crashing halt (quite literally, since the guy walking behind me crashed straight into me - well, he shouldn't have been walking that closely behind, should he - anyone would think he was one of those collar sniffers*) by an advert for one of the local papers in the window of a shop near me "Clydebank man shot in girlfriends' lovers' garden." Was my first thought "Oh the poor man"? Or "How shocking"? No, it was "How many girlfriends? How many lovers? How big was the garden?" A misplaced apostrophe or two can make me forget about the human element. And so, apparently, can a few drops of blood.

I went out onto the landing of the flats where I live to discover a trail of blood drops - drying, but still shiny - going up the stairs. Each landing had a little pool of the stuff, while every few stairs had a drop or two. Did I rush to find out if anyone needed urgent medical assistance? Did I pull out my phone to call the emergency services. No, I did not. I pretended I was in an episode of CSI "Was this person standing still, or were they moving?" I thought. "Are the splatters directional?" "Where is my lovely white lab-coat?"

As it turned out, those CSI jobs are safe, anyway. The only injury was a minor burn as my upstairs neighbour tripped as he walked up the stairs with a container of coffee. All I can say is that it's a jolly good job I never aspired to a career in medicine.

But on to the proper news. Ray Banks get a starred review in Library Journal - and quite rightly so - for the excellent NO MORE HEROES. And a review of the Scotland Street series by Alexander McCall Smith, who will be launching his new book in The Edinburgh Bookshop on 3rd March.

The Times has an article on the social concerns of the thriller and how the distinction between crime fiction and literary fiction lies in their relative attitudes to language. Oh dear, that doesn't bode well, does it? The author of the piece has nice things to say about Aly Monroe, amongst others. However, this paragraph did annoy me a tad:

"Generally speaking, however, the distinction between crime and thrillers on the one hand and "literary" fiction on the other lies in their attitude to language. Many crime novelists seem indifferent or unaware that it might be a good idea to have a view of the matter at all, and the result is work that suggests that the writer believes he or she can operate in some medium which exists prior to, or instead of, language." I also have to admit that I've read the second of those two sentences about seventeen times and I'm still in the dark.

Louise Welsh and Dan Rhodes appear in Edinburgh on 10th March (not as if by magic, I hasten to add, but at Blackwell Bookshop on South Bridge).

More from India with Rankin on Rebus. And, talking of India, Irvine Welsh narrates a documentary about a charity whose aim is to build a home for Dalit children.

Another article on Ian Pattison's Rab C Nesbitt. And more on the Booktrust project to encourage the over-60s to read.

*The collar-sniffing incident: I was down in London on business and there I was, happily tootling up the escalator at Liverpool Street Station when I felt someone pressing really, really close behind me. "Hello", I thought, "Either you've pulled, Donna, or you're getting your pocket picked." I've had relationships with people who got less intimate on a first date.** Before I could do anything, I then felt a nose on my neck. Since it wasn't cold and wet, I didn't think it was a rather tall Golden Retriever, so I squealed like a big girl, turned round, and walloped the bloke behind me with my handbag. He looked at me as though it was ME in the wrong.

"What?" he said. "I was only sniffing your collar" (as if this was the most natural thing in the world).

"Oh, and is THAT supposed to make it sodding better?" I belted him in the shins with my suitcase (I was aiming for higher but the escalator suddenly flattened out) and stalked off feeling aggrieved. I'm not sure why these things always seem to happen to me, but they do. I was once flashed at in a Parisian cemetery...

** Dad - that's just a joke, by the way. I've never been on a first date with anyone who tried to get intimate. In fact, you can just assume that I've never been on a date, OK?

A Teeny Tiny Sunday Summary

Denise Mina's STILL MIDNIGHT reviewed in the Globe And Mail, the Daily Telegraph reviews Aly Monroe's WASHINGTON SHADOW, Publisher's Weekly reviews Philip Kerr's IF THE DEAD RISE NOT and Eurocrime reviews Russel McLean's THE LOST SISTER.

More on the Isle of Man event (gulp) organised by the lovely Chris Ewan.

For those who enjoy reading (and writing) short stories, Tania Hershman has an excellent list (incomplete - so e-mail her if you spot a missing one!) of UK and Irish literary mags. Good on that woman - it must have taken her ages.

More from Ian Pattison on Rab C Nesbitt in a very entertaining article.

More on the Jaipur Literature Festival - although this time it's the Daily Express wondering if money should be spent on it when Scotland has its own literacy problems.

Val McDermid is part of a Booktrust project to enourage the over 60s to engage more in reading and creative writing. My Mum and Dad read loads already (they're in their 70s), but I'm not sure I want to encourage my Dad to do creative writing - he already makes up plenty of rubbish about me in the comments.

Bawbags, Gobbledygook and a Better Class of Thief

Ian Pattison's Rab C Nesbitt gets plenty of ink. And for those in Glasgow, or thinking of visiting, you can catch an Ian Pattison play in May at Oran Mor's 'A Play, A Pie, and a Pint' series. But make sure you don't mix up your local hostelries and end up at the Bucket of Blood in Possilpark for their 'A Buckie, A Bawbag, and a Boak' series.

For those with plenty of time on their hands, the Scottish Parliament debates literacy. Or you can watch it on TV here, if you have a spare two and a half hours, and there's a summary underneath if you don't.

Here's the start of the Lit Sutra blog on Ian Rankin's appearance in India. And an interview with Edinburgh Spotlight here.

Best Selling Books reviews Charles Cumming's TYPHOON, Margaret Cannon has nice things to say about Russel McLean's THE GOOD SON, Starting Fresh blog likes M C Beaton's DEATH OF A VALENTINE and Dutch site 8 Weekly says...errrr...Dutch things about Philip Kerr. I have absolutely no idea whether they liked it or not, especially since plugging the first paragraph into Babelfish results in the following translation:
"The genre is literary think thriller no longer and knows a large schare volgers. The question what moves an editor when he a thriller stamp ' literair' gives, it has been already frequently put. Generally it is determined that in vain zoeken is to the so-called literary aspect. If the deads do not rise again on this no exception forms. " Sadly, there is no option to turn gobbeldygook into English.

An event called Murder, Mystery and Microscopes has made the shortlist for Best Live Communication event in the Communicators in Business awards.

And, finally, about 200 of Edinburgh's most distinguished citizens are suspects in an art theft. "A picture hook was left at the scene of the crime." Presumably vol-au-vent crumbs too.

How To Get A Bed In Glasgow Without Really Trying

I'm hoping I'll be able to get back to my normal posting schedule next week.

Edinburgh's One City Trust charity - set up to fund initiatives in some of the most deprived parts of Edinburgh (a city where one in five children are being brought up in poverty) is in danger of closure. A shame - their collection of short stories - CRIMESPOTTING - was excellent. I hope the charity manages to stay open. This in a week where it's revealed that more than one million people in Scotland struggle with literacy.

A blog has started up recently about Alexander McCall Smith, who, meanwhile, is in Jaipur for the Jaipur Literature Festival. And later on in the spring he's in Toronto. His Edinburgh neighbour, Ian Rankin, is in Sri Lanka. Hopefully, he'll be able to get some milk there. Helen Fitzgerald, on the other hand, gets to go as far as Newcastle.

And Rankin and McCall Smith, amongst others, talk to the Courier Mail in Australia about their approaches to the televised versions of their books.

A preview of Louise Welsh's NAMING THE BONES.

An interesting interview with poet John Burnside. Unlike some other writers of the Scottish literary establishment (I'm looking at you, Mr Kelman), he does not sneer at genre writers.

An interview with my Dad's favourite, Caro Ramsay.

Top agent Stacia Decker says how wonderful Ray Banks is. And she's right.

Ian Pattison's creation Rab C Nesbitt is back.

And finally, a wee Glasgow story. My friend Eleanor was telling me that she was walking along a quiet street yesterday, thinking how she needed to get her bed fixed, when a white van screeched to a halt beside her.

"Haw, hen, do you know anyone who wants a double bed?"

She hesitated. Was the double bed fairy smiling down on her?

White van man jumped out of the van, beer gut swaying in the breeze. "Here, have a wee swatch at it." He flung open the back of the van and there was this double bed, orthopedic mattress, cream satin headboard, just sat there in the back of the van. Although, it was a bed, so I guess that should be 'just lying there'. "That mattress alone is worth four hunnerd quid. It's yours for a hunnerd and fifty."

"Well, I do need a new bed, but I don't live in this bit of Glasgow."

"Hop in, hen. I'll take you to yours."

So she did (my mum would have killed me - getting into a van with a strange man and one who had a double bed in the back of his van, no less). He then proceeded to drive to Eleanor's with his elbows on the steering wheel, as he was using his hands talking too much.

Half an hour later, deal done and new bed nicely ensconced in her bedroom, white van man took off. "Here's my number, hen, if you want another bed any time, gi'e me a call."

That's Glasgow for you. It doesn't fall off the back of a lorry - it comes to a stop beside you, invites you in, and takes you home.

If you work in a bed shop and read this, light dawning as to why you're a bed short, don't sack him - he's an entrepreneur.